Tuesday, 1 May 2007

Sonata To A Gappy Man; Or, When You're Gappy And You Know It

Recently my Dad had a tooth removed. This has given him a whole new perspective on life, or, has given others a whole new perspective into his mouth. He's kept tight-lipped, literally, on the topic, but it's a life-changing time for him. Mum's softening him and his meals up, but apart from chew really savagely on a large bone with the right front side of his mouth, there isn't a lot he can't do. When you've lost a tooth, you can still do many things - wiggle your hips, say hurrah, stomp your feet, save the environment and I'm sure you could run for PM too. And there's no reason why you shouldn't put passion into it, and broadcast your new life's purpose - or recycled old life's purpose - with music.

Despite Lexicon Harlot's endearing comment, "Music is not Maria's pianoforte", I hope you'll bear with my joyous little ditty writen in celebration of my Dad's missing tooth. You never know, it may become the anthem for the Paralympics one day, and you'll be able to say you sang it here first. Sing along!

Generic Gappy Happy Opening Verse
When you're gappy and you know it, stomp your feet!
When you're gappy and you know it, stomp your feet!
When you're gappy and you know it and you really want to show it,
When you're gappy and you know it, stomp your feet!

Next verse for the Environmentally Aware Gappies, who can do anything
When you're gappy and you know it plant a tree!
When you're gappy and you want to grow it, plant another three,
When you go to the loo, don't flush unless you've done a poo,
When you're gappy and you want to slow it (really slow it) take public transport too!

Next verse for the shopaholic gappies
When you're gappy and you know it, max out your credit card!
When you've got someone else's do it double, c'mon it's not that hard!
Dentures these days cost so much, it's not as if going into debt is difficult as such,
When you're gappy your credit card is your crutch!

Put your gap to use, gappies!
When you're gappy and you know it you can whistle a darn good tune,
When you're gappy and you use it that gap's a boon,
When you make it work to a tee, you'll be whistling do-re-mi delicately,
When you're gappy and disciplined that day'll be soon.

For the sadists out there
When you're gappy and you know it you can make people cry,
When you're gappy and you're sadistic you can curl your lip and look them in the eye,
People get distraught and their faces they all contort,
When you're gappy and you practised you could make them die.

Gappies - the world is your oyster! Be prepared for many more verses ...


prude said...

Hmmm - it should be time to convert to the Prude way and lifestyle.

When you're gappy and you knows it become a Prude.
When you is gappy and you knows it do not be llewd.
Keep yourself all good and chaste,
Do not make your life a waste,
When you has lost a tooth you do not need to lose other things, you know what I mean, I do not need be crude.

alexis said...

Lovely! And who needs teeth these days, when everything comes in a delectable range of solid, semi-solid and purée?

Prude, I like your Welsh spelling of "llewd".

alexis said...

cf. Chaucer's "Wife of Bath", whose gap-toothedness is supposed to suggest another bodily aperture.

Maria said...

Alexis, at some time you feel disgusted eating baby-food mush, but you really have to put the positive spin on it - you're revisiting your youth!

By the way - I don't recommend eating processed instant mashed broccoli.


Breakfasts for the gappy - porridge, custard and banana or tinned fruit, and ORANGE JUICE.

Soups for lunch.

Stop cooking your pasta al dente.