Sunday, 11 May 2008

I'm a Mug!

Over dinner, my mother pronounced her preference for fine bone china over other kinds of china. She wants to replace a mug she broke at work with one made of this elegant china.

"Why's it called bone china?" asked my brother.

"'Cause it's got bones in it," I explained. None of my family believed me at first, but it's true. I read up on it a bit more closely to ffind out how it's made. Bone china is a large percentage animal bone ash, as I reported back to my Dad.

"But why not HUMAN BONE ASH?" I mused.

"Good idea!" enthused father, who has taken to the idea of being cremated. "I'm a mug in life, why not make me a mug in death!"

I now present to you my services - or my FAMILY DINNER SERVICES.

Don't put granny in an urn - Make Granny into an urn!

Preserve the whole family in a classy dinnerware service. The Family Dinner Service, where you can choose the dinner service piece you'd like to be that represents YOUR personality! Would you like to be a fancy jug, an elegant platter, a smooth plate?

Be part of the family dinner ritual for decades after your death!

Or perhaps you'd like to be a little jam pot - not just be preserved but HOLD PRESERVES!

It's all up to you, at CREMATIONS and CERAMICS - We CARE for your WARE!


TimT said...

Another advantage of this wonderful entrepreneurial idea would be that, whenever people come around for dinner parties, you could say to them, "Oh, we're so glad you're coming around. Do you know, we're eating off the dead corpse of grandma today?" I'm sure guests would feel honoured at this!

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Osso bucco, anyone?

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

By the way, d'you remember those bone china mugs you gave me when I moved into the Wardello in Petersham? The dainty chintzy ones with the botanical rose illustrations? Just which friend or relative were they?

(P.S. drinking from one as we speak. Raspberry leaf tea.)

TimT said...

Themed dinner parties, in which guests are served their meals on the remains of relevant dead relatives, would quickly become all the rage!

TimT said...

Of course, for larger parties, you'd have to draw up table plans, for instance:

TABLE 1: DINING OFF: Grandad's remains
(Note: Annie is a vegetarian. Maybe we need to serve her a separate pasta dish?)

TABLE 2: DINING OFF: Uncle Randolph
Aunty Esme
(Note: I'm not sure if this is true, but p'raps Randolph had an affair with Karen before he died? This could offend Aunty Esme. Must look into.)

etc, etc

TimT said...


The dinner was a great success,
Applauded far and wide:
A pity grandpa can't be here,
Since he so rudely died.

But wait! There's hope! Please don't despair!
His ashes can be laid
By us into a set of fine-
Bone china we have made! -

His head into some nice tea-cups -
A set of four or five;
His arms and chest into some plates,
Laid beside the knives:
In death, he brings more pleasure than
He gives to you alive!

The dinner is a great success:
Applauded far and wide -
We join our voice and give three cheers -
"Thank heavn's grandpa died!"

JahTeh said...

Bone China! In America you can be made into a diamond and worn by your loved ones.

eyrie said...

Tony Robinson "road tested" being a bone cleaner for this very purpose in his "Worst Jobs in History" series (unfortunately the "Industrial" episode seems to be the only one which hasn't been youtubed at all). It was extremely unpleasant because the bones had to be completely clean and, apparently, it would all be left to rot for a few days so the meat would come off more easily. The firing, though, was the most noxious part, if I remember rightly.
My family has a nineteenth-century Japanese eggshell tea set my great grandfather bought when he was a sailor. No one has the nerve to actually use it, but it's so beautiful just to hold- beyond bone china!

(Most confused about the unsavory associations made with my name)