As many people know I'm most unfortunately out of employment and trying to find something new to do with my life. The applications are going out, and I'm baying at the moon, howling for a job.
It's a harsh world when employers don't appreciate you and I hate interviews. I hate 'em. Really I do.
And I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I should just become an entrepreneur. You know. Just invent some things and sell them.
The real problem is I don't know what to invent yet.
But once I've overcome that minor hiccup in my plan, I'm sure Orange Juice Snobbery Products Pty & Ltd will be a roaring success. You just wait and see.
One idea just popped into my mind and I've got a rough sketch going for it.
Welcome to the first OJS Products product ... The New .. in fact the first Hobo-Doll!
We all know how homeless people can earn a fortune. In fact it's shocking that some of them can earn more than what I've earned employed, and they probably can collect a pension as well and it's all tax-free.
Some clear $400 a day, and they're just sitting on their bot-bots in Martin Place with a sign around their necks.
Now, that's all dandy except not all of us want to sit in Martin Place, and what if you could have someone else sitting in Martin Place for you while you went out and got another job or just partied?
Welcome the Hobo-Doll!
The Hobo-Doll is a lovely plump doll that looks EXACTLY like a hobo and dresses like one and will do all your sitting for you and collect the cash. It will even wear a sign around its neck. No matter that it doesn't breathe or eat - no one checks homeless people too carefully for signs of breathing and when was the last time you saw a homeless person eating? Most of the time they don't look up when you throw a coin in.
The Hobo-Doll won't either.
I'm selling the basic doll for $15,000 a pop and if you find a lovely place in the right area, you'll easily earn back that money in a couple of months and more besides. For the better models, there are changes of clothes and a variety of signs, and a special automator that will say "Bless you Jesus Child" "Lord bless you" or "How 'bout a few dollars more for a pint?" whenever you throw in some money, for a touch of realism.
Prices will also differ depending on size, especially plumpness and the most sympathetic slouches cost a bit more. But they're definitely worth the investment.
Note that OJS Products cannot be responsible if you pick to place your doll in a place with low revenue, or if your doll is bashed up and ruined by vicious bikie gangs or jealous buskers. You must be entirely responsible for the safety and intelligent placing of Hobo-Doll!
Hobo-Doll will be your friend and colleague and amazing revenue-raiser - order him or her today!
Showing posts with label orange juice snobbery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label orange juice snobbery. Show all posts
Monday, 12 April 2010
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Accidentally turning your Child into a Question Time Monster
Sue Dunlevy wrote this article in the Daily Tele about the difficult issue facing parents on the issue of teen drinking. And I'm not talking about my precious orange juice either, which seems not to be nearly as controversial as I thought it was.
Parents didn't always want to let their kids drink alcohol, preferring them to stay on the wholesome sugar-not-alcohol infused options as long as possible. At least it just kept you up all night watching cartoons and dancing rather than spewing in the toilet. You got fat rather than dizzy on overdoses of juice, Coca Cola, and really big home made chocolate milk shakes.
Anyhow, keeping them off the juice - I mean the alcohol, which for some reason is often nicknamed juice - for as long as possible, was desirable to many, but it also meant possibly getting put down by your kids.
Ms Dunlevy said that none wanted to experience the withering put down Frances Abbott gave her father, Tony Abbott:
“What would you know, you’re a lame, gay, churchie loser,” Frances Abbott told her Dad when he offered her some advice.
"Clearly she is a young woman who has learnt her parental handling skills from watching Question Time." - wrote Ms Dunlevy
There, I think, Ms Dunlevy has a good point. What the heck are pollies thinking at Question Time - except maybe a bit of nostalgia from school years when they got to call others name and brawl a lot. "Mr Speaker" is just another name for "teacher"?
Politicians often have families and children. They're often mouthing off about family values and lamenting the lack of courtesy and respect in the community and in certain generations. Then they go and put on a great display in Question Time when they blast all that away.
OK, yes, sometimes it's funny, in the same way reality TV is funny, but basically it's also hypocritical, so if you really think about it, it's a matter of 'do as I say, not as I do' or mainly 'Yes, I lament the loss of certain things in our community and I believe that those values should be there in the community, but not for me, not at this time, because I'm privileged.'
That probably isn't an easy one to explain to some younger children and I would treat my Dad or Mum with quite a bit of contempt if I caught them at that contradiction. Maybe that's why Question Time is not on till quite late/early and isn't shown with kids' cartoons. Pollies' children cant' risk that their children might see it and ask 'awkward' questions.
Anyhow, honestly I wouldn't mind seeing Question Time being more civilised. I wonder what it would be like if people tried to conduct it in a more civilised manner. Would they have anything to say? I don't know that heckling adds that much to Question Time but is there much else to it and do they have much else? Maybe they would be stumped for words and end up walking out?
Most of the heckling seems to be name-calling, booing and yelling which seems quite inane to me, and childish, if there was some subtle mind and wordplay, clever humour and wit and interesting psychological manoeuvrings used, it would probably show some class. The fact that it seems to be "whose voice is louder" is a bit stupid. If they called it "REALITY TV: WHOSE VOICE IS LOUDER: WHO WILL LAST THE DISTANCE?" and played it with some judges' commentary over the top and a number to call for each politician, everyone would go on about how it was tacky and what a bunch of common no-talents they are. People probably still think that now, it's just the lack of a good phone no. and a catchy name and a "nasty judge" that keeps their mouths shut.
I wonder if they weren't heckling whether it's possible they would concentrate less on booing and trying to stave off booing, and more on trying to make intelligent, conscientious decisions about issues affecting the populace.
Or is that too much to ask?
Parents didn't always want to let their kids drink alcohol, preferring them to stay on the wholesome sugar-not-alcohol infused options as long as possible. At least it just kept you up all night watching cartoons and dancing rather than spewing in the toilet. You got fat rather than dizzy on overdoses of juice, Coca Cola, and really big home made chocolate milk shakes.
Anyhow, keeping them off the juice - I mean the alcohol, which for some reason is often nicknamed juice - for as long as possible, was desirable to many, but it also meant possibly getting put down by your kids.
Ms Dunlevy said that none wanted to experience the withering put down Frances Abbott gave her father, Tony Abbott:
“What would you know, you’re a lame, gay, churchie loser,” Frances Abbott told her Dad when he offered her some advice.
"Clearly she is a young woman who has learnt her parental handling skills from watching Question Time." - wrote Ms Dunlevy
There, I think, Ms Dunlevy has a good point. What the heck are pollies thinking at Question Time - except maybe a bit of nostalgia from school years when they got to call others name and brawl a lot. "Mr Speaker" is just another name for "teacher"?
Politicians often have families and children. They're often mouthing off about family values and lamenting the lack of courtesy and respect in the community and in certain generations. Then they go and put on a great display in Question Time when they blast all that away.
OK, yes, sometimes it's funny, in the same way reality TV is funny, but basically it's also hypocritical, so if you really think about it, it's a matter of 'do as I say, not as I do' or mainly 'Yes, I lament the loss of certain things in our community and I believe that those values should be there in the community, but not for me, not at this time, because I'm privileged.'
That probably isn't an easy one to explain to some younger children and I would treat my Dad or Mum with quite a bit of contempt if I caught them at that contradiction. Maybe that's why Question Time is not on till quite late/early and isn't shown with kids' cartoons. Pollies' children cant' risk that their children might see it and ask 'awkward' questions.
Anyhow, honestly I wouldn't mind seeing Question Time being more civilised. I wonder what it would be like if people tried to conduct it in a more civilised manner. Would they have anything to say? I don't know that heckling adds that much to Question Time but is there much else to it and do they have much else? Maybe they would be stumped for words and end up walking out?
Most of the heckling seems to be name-calling, booing and yelling which seems quite inane to me, and childish, if there was some subtle mind and wordplay, clever humour and wit and interesting psychological manoeuvrings used, it would probably show some class. The fact that it seems to be "whose voice is louder" is a bit stupid. If they called it "REALITY TV: WHOSE VOICE IS LOUDER: WHO WILL LAST THE DISTANCE?" and played it with some judges' commentary over the top and a number to call for each politician, everyone would go on about how it was tacky and what a bunch of common no-talents they are. People probably still think that now, it's just the lack of a good phone no. and a catchy name and a "nasty judge" that keeps their mouths shut.
I wonder if they weren't heckling whether it's possible they would concentrate less on booing and trying to stave off booing, and more on trying to make intelligent, conscientious decisions about issues affecting the populace.
Or is that too much to ask?
Saturday, 9 May 2009
I don't have a drinking problem ...
It surprised me to read a newspaper article about how Aussies accept we have a binge drinking problem. For I've read so much about how any time someone wants to do something about drinking (alcohol that is) and drinking problems, a huge number of people start screaming about how this is a nanny state, drinking is part of the Australian culture, stop spoiling their fun party pooper and they are perfectly responsible people and why don't police go out and punish real criminals like jaywalkers and illegal billboard posters?
By the way, DRINKING somehow always means 'drinking alcohol'. If you drink too much water, you haven't drunk anything at all, even if you have urinated a whole tankful. It's a tricky thing, the English language. I don't know what it is about Orange Juice, but I ain't drinking it, technically. Apparently. Newspaperly.
Anyhow, I do think we have a drinking problem, we don't drink enough of the good stuff, and also the yummy drinks often cost a packet (It's $9 for a milkshake at Guylian's, what the?)
Also, someone warned me not to drink tap water in Adelaide. Fortunately I'm not from Adelaide and don't plan to go there soon. But what are your options then, someone gets the grand idea to bottle STILL water and sell it back to you at some exorbitant price. Makes you sick.
As for alcohol drinking, I'm no connoisseur, but I do get rather sick of the constant excuses for alcohol-induced behaviour not curbed or controlled, and any ideas put forth to control it all screamed down by some groups, because certain people enjoy drinking and consider it an integral part of their lifestyle.
Sure, everyone likes certain thing, but this shouldn't mean that we turn a blind eye to dangerous behaviour or social problems if they occur and think up solutions, and sometimes this does mean that some individuals have to submit to controls on their lifestyle to make things 'nicer' for everyone else.
For instance, other people enjoy the ownership of guns or a smoke, but they are considered not to be great for everyone else, so these people no matter how responsible they are individually submit to basic controls over their hobbies.
But then when someone suggests perhaps about limiting drinks sold at certain times or the power to remove extremely drunken-acting people off the street at night time, you get complaints of 'nanny state'.
Seems silly - I wouldn't want to run into someone waving a gun at me at night - but i've met drunken yobbos at night and they're quite menacing too. All power to those who can remove them. If people think they are the more responsible, drinking types then they don't have anything to worry about. We're not talking about zapping these people from existence, just getting them out of harm's way so they don't hurt themselves or intimidate or hurt others (or property).
I think a sensible talk about drinking without all the passion connected to it via the 'I've got a right to drink, I'm an Aussie it's what I DO!' parade would be very helpful.
By the way, DRINKING somehow always means 'drinking alcohol'. If you drink too much water, you haven't drunk anything at all, even if you have urinated a whole tankful. It's a tricky thing, the English language. I don't know what it is about Orange Juice, but I ain't drinking it, technically. Apparently. Newspaperly.
Anyhow, I do think we have a drinking problem, we don't drink enough of the good stuff, and also the yummy drinks often cost a packet (It's $9 for a milkshake at Guylian's, what the?)
Also, someone warned me not to drink tap water in Adelaide. Fortunately I'm not from Adelaide and don't plan to go there soon. But what are your options then, someone gets the grand idea to bottle STILL water and sell it back to you at some exorbitant price. Makes you sick.
As for alcohol drinking, I'm no connoisseur, but I do get rather sick of the constant excuses for alcohol-induced behaviour not curbed or controlled, and any ideas put forth to control it all screamed down by some groups, because certain people enjoy drinking and consider it an integral part of their lifestyle.
Sure, everyone likes certain thing, but this shouldn't mean that we turn a blind eye to dangerous behaviour or social problems if they occur and think up solutions, and sometimes this does mean that some individuals have to submit to controls on their lifestyle to make things 'nicer' for everyone else.
For instance, other people enjoy the ownership of guns or a smoke, but they are considered not to be great for everyone else, so these people no matter how responsible they are individually submit to basic controls over their hobbies.
But then when someone suggests perhaps about limiting drinks sold at certain times or the power to remove extremely drunken-acting people off the street at night time, you get complaints of 'nanny state'.
Seems silly - I wouldn't want to run into someone waving a gun at me at night - but i've met drunken yobbos at night and they're quite menacing too. All power to those who can remove them. If people think they are the more responsible, drinking types then they don't have anything to worry about. We're not talking about zapping these people from existence, just getting them out of harm's way so they don't hurt themselves or intimidate or hurt others (or property).
I think a sensible talk about drinking without all the passion connected to it via the 'I've got a right to drink, I'm an Aussie it's what I DO!' parade would be very helpful.
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
The Plastic Cup Offensive
There's a debate brewing about beer in Sydney. Plastic or Glass Cups? After a series of glassings some wretched victims and enraged members of the public have been calling for pubs to use little plastic cups instead of glasses to serve beer.
Even if a plastic cup doesn't look nearly as flash as a glass schooner.
Well, high time, I say. Get rid of those glasses and bring in those plastic cups! And to the caterwauls of those beer drinkers who say it "doesn't feel nearly as nice as a beer in a glass" and it's "not quite the same" when you get served a piddling little plastic cup as opposed to a big glass schooner with the beer frothing over it, juuuuuust right - I say -
GROW UP - and think about what we Orange Juice Snobs have been through for years!
Non alcohol drinkers have suffered at the hands of publicans for too long, and it's high time the tables were turned, I say. Every time you go out with your alcohol imbibing friends, the beer imbibers get a large schooner with froth edging out of it, artfully done like it were in an ad, and your wine drinkers get shown a label, allowed to sniff, to taste, to spit even, and allowed to jump up and screech and send it back to the kitchen if they wish!
If not, it's poured into an elegant tulip bulb shaped glassy thing.
They're presented with a "Wine list". A red? There's an abundance of reds, m'dear ...
A non-alcohol drinker?
"Soft drink? We got Coke ..." they mumble. They plonk a can in front of you - often no glass, no ice, and if you're lucky, perhaps a straw.
Perhaps a juice. "What juices do you have, please?" you inquire, as restaurants never seem to provide a separate "Juice List" in a lovely little folder.
"What kinds?" ponders the waiter, as if the thought never occurred to him. "I guess there might be ... apple?"
You give up on their poor selection, and order the apple, and find out that their version of apple was actually tomato juice. That was all they had, sorry. And your alcohol imbibing friends snigger as they sip their perfected to order cabernet sauvignons, and turn their noses up at your "red".
Enough with this Juice Humiliation, as we are ground into the tiles of a restaurant floor by the alcohol imbibing elite! Let the Revolution Begin! Plastic cups in pubs shall just be the beginning ... but it shall be a good beginning!
Even if a plastic cup doesn't look nearly as flash as a glass schooner.
Well, high time, I say. Get rid of those glasses and bring in those plastic cups! And to the caterwauls of those beer drinkers who say it "doesn't feel nearly as nice as a beer in a glass" and it's "not quite the same" when you get served a piddling little plastic cup as opposed to a big glass schooner with the beer frothing over it, juuuuuust right - I say -
GROW UP - and think about what we Orange Juice Snobs have been through for years!
Non alcohol drinkers have suffered at the hands of publicans for too long, and it's high time the tables were turned, I say. Every time you go out with your alcohol imbibing friends, the beer imbibers get a large schooner with froth edging out of it, artfully done like it were in an ad, and your wine drinkers get shown a label, allowed to sniff, to taste, to spit even, and allowed to jump up and screech and send it back to the kitchen if they wish!
If not, it's poured into an elegant tulip bulb shaped glassy thing.
They're presented with a "Wine list". A red? There's an abundance of reds, m'dear ...
A non-alcohol drinker?
"Soft drink? We got Coke ..." they mumble. They plonk a can in front of you - often no glass, no ice, and if you're lucky, perhaps a straw.
Perhaps a juice. "What juices do you have, please?" you inquire, as restaurants never seem to provide a separate "Juice List" in a lovely little folder.
"What kinds?" ponders the waiter, as if the thought never occurred to him. "I guess there might be ... apple?"
You give up on their poor selection, and order the apple, and find out that their version of apple was actually tomato juice. That was all they had, sorry. And your alcohol imbibing friends snigger as they sip their perfected to order cabernet sauvignons, and turn their noses up at your "red".
Enough with this Juice Humiliation, as we are ground into the tiles of a restaurant floor by the alcohol imbibing elite! Let the Revolution Begin! Plastic cups in pubs shall just be the beginning ... but it shall be a good beginning!
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
My Kind O' Pencil
If there was ever an enticement for nibbling the end of a pencil, this is it.
THE ULTIMATE IN ORANGE JUICE SNOB DESK ACCESSORIES!!!
The Orange Juice Cocktail Pencil!!!
Featuring a rather saucy, and alluring, candy striped , purple-orange-red-and-yellow slim-line body, and topped off with a ripe orange slice, perfectly positioned at a nibble-abble tilt, this pencil is a must-have for orange-juice snobs everywhere. It's nibbly. It's juicy. It's chewy. And it doesn't get worms or go off aafter four days sitting in your pencil jar.
Not only does it mark you out as an orange-juice snob the world over, but it comes with all your standard pencil features. Made of wood, and sharpenable this pencil can:
Sketch
Draw
Scribble
Write
Take Notes
Cartoon
Edit
Graffiti
This remarkable multi-purpose instrument is a limited edition issue. Buy yours and be part of the fruity future!
THE ULTIMATE IN ORANGE JUICE SNOB DESK ACCESSORIES!!!
The Orange Juice Cocktail Pencil!!!
Featuring a rather saucy, and alluring, candy striped , purple-orange-red-and-yellow slim-line body, and topped off with a ripe orange slice, perfectly positioned at a nibble-abble tilt, this pencil is a must-have for orange-juice snobs everywhere. It's nibbly. It's juicy. It's chewy. And it doesn't get worms or go off aafter four days sitting in your pencil jar.
Not only does it mark you out as an orange-juice snob the world over, but it comes with all your standard pencil features. Made of wood, and sharpenable this pencil can:
Sketch
Draw
Scribble
Write
Take Notes
Cartoon
Edit
Graffiti
This remarkable multi-purpose instrument is a limited edition issue. Buy yours and be part of the fruity future!
Saturday, 9 December 2006
Orange Juice Snobbery
‘Tis a sad world indeed. Each time I go out (on the rare occasions I do) I am subjected to an excruciatingly lengthy wine list, with, as an after thought, and sometimes not even then, a toss-away, a throw-away line “soft-drinks and juices available”. I tell you, as a non-wine-drinker, I stand up for my drink of choice. I matter.
Why should only alcohol imbibers have the fun of being able to turn up their noses in insufferable arrogance to the world and be shown bottles before they deign to order a drink at a restaurant? Why should only wine drinkers be able to be able to have a little wine be poured for them into a fluted glass and swirl it about in their mouths and talk about it having "good structure" or actually demand to taste 50 wines, make themselves quite tiddly, but refuse to order any of them and actually not pay for a bottle (a trick if I ever knew one)? Do you think I don’t know which juice to order with the pumpkin risotto and which to order with the grilled fish and what goes better with a roast lamb (depending on if it’s rare or well done)?
Blindfolded, a good Juice expert can tell a Dewlands from a Berri from a Just Juice and would be revolted if any of that Home Brand nonsense was served up at their table. They can tell instantly whether you’ve actually added water to dilute it and make the juice go further – or whether that’s just a melted ice cube.
An Orange Juice Snob can tell a Freshly Squeezed from one with even a few Artificial Colours and Flavourings simply by a sniff. And what percentage Artificial Sweetener. The difference between 5% and 6% and 7% can all be detected within a nanosecond. And which valley the orange orchard comes from – no two orange orchards taste alike. It pains me when a delicious entrée is killed off by the wrong orange juice, really it does.
I have been to restaurants and seen a person order the fish and is about to partake of their orange juice. I know it will not bring out the flavour of their fish, and my Orange Juice Snobbery comes to the fore. I find it my Civic Duty to rush over to their table – sometimes knocking over waitstaff (a disgusting word, but we'll get to that later), but it’s all in a good cause – to shriek “STOP, Oh don’t DO this terrible thing to yourself!” and instruct them on the basics of orange juice drinking, and order for them the correct juice. Some tell me I should leave well enough alone, and if people order what they enjoy, I should let them enjoy their own choice.
But I am inflexible. I know, as an Orange Juice Snob, I would not enjoy the meal, and therefore, it is unthinkable that others could enjoy the meal too. Invasion of space and bumps and bruises that ensue or not, I know I have brought one more small light to the dark world of ignorance, and that pleases me. I’ll keep on informing people of what ought to be their choices, based on my superior knowledge.
Wherever I go, I am armed with my Go Green bag filled with Orange Juice samples and pamphlets of Orange Juice Suggestions – a good way to impart my knowledge on others, and a good excuse to take swigs almost anywhere and anytime in the guise of educating others. I write all off as a tax deduction, of course. It’s now a full time job.
Orange Juice Snobbery Rules!
Why should only alcohol imbibers have the fun of being able to turn up their noses in insufferable arrogance to the world and be shown bottles before they deign to order a drink at a restaurant? Why should only wine drinkers be able to be able to have a little wine be poured for them into a fluted glass and swirl it about in their mouths and talk about it having "good structure" or actually demand to taste 50 wines, make themselves quite tiddly, but refuse to order any of them and actually not pay for a bottle (a trick if I ever knew one)? Do you think I don’t know which juice to order with the pumpkin risotto and which to order with the grilled fish and what goes better with a roast lamb (depending on if it’s rare or well done)?
Blindfolded, a good Juice expert can tell a Dewlands from a Berri from a Just Juice and would be revolted if any of that Home Brand nonsense was served up at their table. They can tell instantly whether you’ve actually added water to dilute it and make the juice go further – or whether that’s just a melted ice cube.
An Orange Juice Snob can tell a Freshly Squeezed from one with even a few Artificial Colours and Flavourings simply by a sniff. And what percentage Artificial Sweetener. The difference between 5% and 6% and 7% can all be detected within a nanosecond. And which valley the orange orchard comes from – no two orange orchards taste alike. It pains me when a delicious entrée is killed off by the wrong orange juice, really it does.
I have been to restaurants and seen a person order the fish and is about to partake of their orange juice. I know it will not bring out the flavour of their fish, and my Orange Juice Snobbery comes to the fore. I find it my Civic Duty to rush over to their table – sometimes knocking over waitstaff (a disgusting word, but we'll get to that later), but it’s all in a good cause – to shriek “STOP, Oh don’t DO this terrible thing to yourself!” and instruct them on the basics of orange juice drinking, and order for them the correct juice. Some tell me I should leave well enough alone, and if people order what they enjoy, I should let them enjoy their own choice.
But I am inflexible. I know, as an Orange Juice Snob, I would not enjoy the meal, and therefore, it is unthinkable that others could enjoy the meal too. Invasion of space and bumps and bruises that ensue or not, I know I have brought one more small light to the dark world of ignorance, and that pleases me. I’ll keep on informing people of what ought to be their choices, based on my superior knowledge.
Wherever I go, I am armed with my Go Green bag filled with Orange Juice samples and pamphlets of Orange Juice Suggestions – a good way to impart my knowledge on others, and a good excuse to take swigs almost anywhere and anytime in the guise of educating others. I write all off as a tax deduction, of course. It’s now a full time job.
Orange Juice Snobbery Rules!
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