Good luck to my tote bag!

Just the other day I was on my way to an interview with a recruiter.

I was standing at Gordon station when a very non-obliging bird decided to swoop down UNDER THE SHELTER mind you and drop faeces on me.

On my tote bag, that is.

I checked carefully and it didn't get my clothes, and the only bit of me it got was my hand (the hand that was placed on my tote bag).

Yelping, I made my way to the station toilets, swearing "shit shit shit". I felt that at least I should use appropriate language for the moment. Then I tried using the only available accessories (toilet paper, water and soap) to rid my bag of birdy-poo. Oh, and my hand, too.

I missed that train but caught the next and I decided not to regale the recruiter with this amusing story of birdy-droppings at the interview.

However, I have heard the old adage that if a bird chooses to drop its droppings on you, it's good luck! Is this meant to be an omen? Will I get a job with this recruiter? Or does it simply mean I will get no more bird plops?

Or does it mean that my TOTE BAG is to receive the good luck? Will it be a very lucky and fortunate tote bag, that has lots of happiness and longevity in its toting life?

I'm a little confused, but very optimistic!

Keeping the Potter Franchise Alive

It seemed Harry Potter ended with The Deathly Hallows, but then out came Tales of Beedle the Bard.

Now, I'm sure many Potterheads would like to see Harry live on and what better way than to besiege Rowling with ideas for spin-offs, sequels and prequels and beg her to continue to keep Harry alive?

A fellow blogger has compiled a set of "totally original" Potter story continuations. I'm sure you'll agree that any of these would make viable books, and would be extremely filmable.

Perhaps an intense Potter martial arts version could be released.

Something like ...

Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione are travelling in the mountains when they are beset upon by some Oriental Muggles. Despite their magical powers, all four are captured. It seems a Jackie Chan backflip can overpower someone on a broomstick any day.

Taken back to the little village, the Muggles kindly bathe the wounds of the four and lend them robes to wear as their wizarding robes were torn in battle. The four are forced to live in the little village and gradually come to respect the strange rites of the Muggles. Ron annoys Hermione by falling for a good looking slim Asian chick, but after a while she gets so involved in learning fourteen different Asian dialects all at once that she forgets Ron's being an idiot.

It comes to light that the Muggles hadn't meant any harm to the four. Furthermore they begin to initiate each into how to use a different Oriental weapon, and appoint Harry as the leader and give him a blue bandanna. Ron gets a yellow one and Hermione is given a purple one and Ginny a red one. These will help distinguish them, and they ask that they help them in times of war as their last true Ninja warrior is dying and ...

Damn, I'm not sure if I should call this "Harry Potter and The Last Ninja" or "Teenage Mutant Ninja Wizards".

I'll come up with an ending later. Surely.

Frogs in pond

TimT just mentioned on his blog a whole lot of foodie things, one of which I got excited about was mousse. Which ended up with me getting excited about jelly.

I'm a big jelly fan but just recently haven't indulged in quite as much as a big jelly fan ought to. That's really naughty of me and I ought to correct that immediately, which is why I made two kind of jelly desserts on the weekend, just one, a straight jelly dessert in a mould and another experimenting with mixing jelly with some milky thing and seeing what would happen. It was very sweet and rather fun, and an amazing electronic pink.

That reminded me of another favourite jelly dish of mine of yore, which I hadn't mentioned among all the layered jellies and pannacottas.

Frogs in Ponds.

They are simple but funny. I like them because they're funny. Simple is good too.

You take some lime (green) jelly, follow the instructions on the pack, make up the jelly and fill several small bowls with jelly, only two thirds of the way though.

Allow it to set.

Then you get some chocolate frogs. Like Haigh's choc frogs. Place at least one chocolate frog on each jelly bowl, and then cover it with more green jelly. Make sure the jelly mixture you pour over is cooled otherwise you'll melt the frog(s).

Set.

Then you can decorate the top of the green jelly if you like with sprinkles or little leaf or flower lollies or whatever. It'll look like there's a frog swimming below the surface.

One bowl per person.

Other methods include filling the bowl with jelly and adding the frog just before the jelly is set, so it's being floated in half-thickened fluid and hopefully floats but can be pushed under the surface, or pushing the frog into the jelly after it sets which of course cracks the surface but you might like the "frog sticking cheerfully out" look. Or putting the frog in when it's still all runny but the frog will most likely sink further down and will be a deeper-diver frog.

The two-layer method works to have the frogs serenely gliding at the surface but takes longer.

Either way I think it looks cool.

I've only ever seen it done with lime jelly though why you couldn't do it with blueberry jelly ... well why not? Blue water is cool ....

Mr Eggplant

On her blog recently, Lexicon posted this pic of an Amazing Aubergine. I just have to say, this country is often overwhelmed by the Big Veges. The Big Pineapple, the Big Apple, etc. But I was very impressed by another Amazing Eggplant which I found at the markets recently, and dubbed Mr Eggplant. Perhaps not the biggest eggplant but it's not the size that mattered here. It's what he ... errh ... special extras he had to show for himself.

Mr Eggplant either has a long snout or a rather Proud Protuberance of another sort. He's certainly not hiding it, and it's this sort of Aussie pride which we thought extremely amusing and just had to pay for. Mr Coffee and I kept Mr Eggplant alive for several days till he began to look a little withery, and then he had to be consumed. He stood in the kitchen, look at that stance, man, that posture, he knows his place and it's not at the bottom of the vege pile, that's for sure! I was the one who chopped the Protuberance off, eventually, when it finally gave in and looked a little too wilted to wait - it seemed Mr Coffee didn't want the responsibility. It seems to be a man thing.

But I let him eat the appendage.

He was a very tasty Mr Eggplant and I'll be talent scouting at the next market trip. I encourage all others to do so, we should encourage Attidude Aubergines in Australia, and this Mr Eggplant was one sassy Aubergine who held himself with Righteousness in our Kitchen. What a guy!

Piggy Masks

I was at the pharmacist recently and I see that they are selling "swine flu approved" blue masks. For hygiene reasons, they are non-refundable, non exchangeable.

Mr Coffee has suggested that they make special swine flu masks in the shape of a little piggy snout.

I'd like to see that!

Techno-nannying doesn't go far enough

According to this article there's a new device being tested to speed-limit cars.

This is a special device which would recognise what the speed limit was, and then sound a warning if you tried to abuse it, and also stop you from speeding. It'd stubbornly refuse to let you speed!

Now some people think this is a great idea. I for one have never really understood why cars can go up to 180km/hr anyhow, I have never seen a 180km/hr zone.

But of course there were people who complained about nannying and how what speed you were at should be your personal responsibility.

Of course this does assume that all car drivers know what 'responsibility' means which many don't seem to from the looks of the roads out there.

Then I read a whole bunch of letters groaning about how we are the most over-governed country in the world, which I think is just an excuse for people who don't want to be rioters.

I think there are plenty of places in which we are not governed enough and I would like to see certain sorts of idiots reined in immediately with new technologies. These people don't exhibit proper responsibility and therefore it's useless saying it's up to their personal responsibility. They NEED nannying!

1. People who pack bags in supermarkets. They who are about to put a heavy item on top of a soft item should have a device attached to them which immediately gives them an electric shock and jerks their arm away from the bag!
2. People who smoke and are tempted to throw their cigarette butt out without stubbing it. These people need to have a device attached which makes them stub out it out properly first. Oh, before they stub it, huge neon lights should go off over them saying JERK JERK JERK for a bit of public humiliation.
3. People who go into the 12 items or less lane with more than 12 items should have a little robot who comes out and screams "YOU CAN'T COUNT" and shoves them into the right lane.
In fact, "12 items or less" lanes should have little robots which flash "We know this should say '12 items or fewer' we're just made a mistake and we're too cheap to change all the signs!"
4. People who try to comment on a blog and use all CAPS or have lots and lots of common spelling errors, especially mixing up "your" and "you're", "they're", "there" and "their", etc, should have a "beep" that stops their comment from being posted and after three attempts, bans them from posting until they've done some basic literacy courses.

What footy mascot would you be?

Recently Mr Coffee and I indulged in one Cronulla Sharks NRL tote bag from Coles, because they were selling them off at 20c a pop. Thing is, we didn't know it was a Cronulla bag until we bought it, we just picked it over the raiders one because we liked the Shark pick, and because the pricing scheme was mega-cool.

However the experience sparked off a conversation - how do Football teams pick their names anyhow, and how do they figure out what animal or whatever they are? Why is it Sydney Roosters and Balmain Tigers and Illawarra Dragons and Adelaide Crows. I haven't quite figured it out.

Given their reputation, I figured out Melbourne Storm fairly easily and I have to say - well-chosen, guys.

Why aren't their any Pigs or Ants or Axolotls or Cockroaches or Hamsters? or maybe there are , I don't know that much about football.

I don't know enough much about Football but I started tossing around names for teams that I thought would be appropriate. Something more interesting than the Brisbane Broncos and the South Sydney Rabbitohs.

How about a bit of alliteration - Wollongong Wombats?

Or some nice word association games:

Darwin Crocodiles?
Darwin's Theories?
Darwin's Beards?

Tasmanian Tigers
Tasmanian Devils
Tasmanian Oysters?

The Sunshine Coast Schoolies?

The Melbourne Trams?

What would you call the footy team in your area?

There's a Case for Every Case

I've seen the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

And I read the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

And I can see there's the Mysterious Case of the Allbright Academy by Diane Stanley.

So ...

now I want to know how many different kinds of "cases" there are.

What variety do they come in: Can I get Amazing Cases, Difficult cases, Interesting Cases, Gee Whiz bang Cases, Righteous Cases?

Competition: What really good "case" book or movie would you want to see?

Naturally, cases come in all varieties: there are murder cases, rape cases, the upper and lower cases, stair cases and brief cases. Some are heavy and some are light. Some are better constructed than others, and some are open & shut cases whereas some you need a virtual - or real - sledgehammer to crack.

What case would YOUR case be?

The Darker Side of Mary Poppins; or Tim Burton Presents Mary Poppins

I like to interpret dreams. I dream pretty vividly. Lately I've been dreaming quite a bit about Mary Poppins, and I've come to the conclusion that my dream means one thing: I've got a fantastic idea for a Tim Burton version of Mary Poppins, which would of course star Johnny Depp. What major Burton movie wouldn't?

I've been dreaming of some major new Poppins adventures, but they've been more ghoulish, more dark and more fantastic than ever. The colours would look great on Blu-Ray. I'm telling you. They are straight out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - bright colour contrasts with dark backgrounds. I'll leak some on to the Net, but if Burton would like to contact me for some more material, please post a comment wth a forwarding address. We can do business.

Firstly, lots of people will be familiar with the Poppins scene in the original movie where Poppins talks to erself in the mirror (and the mirror answers her back). My dreams not only had twin Poppins but multiplying Poppins - in fact I had a whole army of Poppins in a desert ready for lift off with their umbrellas, but dancing to a great song, in beautifully choreographed time.

I also had a wonderful idea for an EVIL TWIN Poppins who would have to be controlled by the real Poppins. Who would Bert rather have his way with, this time?

Poppins has several magical tricks up her sleeve this time, including some new fantasy places to visit by blowing soap bubbles and visiting the lands within them, and swinging from trees and eating enchanted fruit, and finding the curiosity in a hiccup.

In my version, I envisualise a cast including:

Freddie Highmore as Michael Banks
Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs Banks, the long suffering suffragette
and Johnny Depp as Mary Poppins (and all her multiple personalities)

It's about time Johnny followed every other Hollywood star and got himself into drag and did some dancing around and singing at the same time, and I'm sure Tim Burton will provide him with that excellent opportunity.

If Burton ever does a dark Mary Poppins, especially if Depp ever plays Poppins in drag, remember you saw the idea here first. I'll be particularly disappointed if I'm not credited and given my cut.

The Singing Thorn Birds?

First there was Australia, which I didn't go to see because of the bad reviews. The supposed epic Australian saga

Now there is the talk of staging The Thorn Birds, that Australian epic family saga/romance/tragedy, as a musical!

I've read the book, and I've seen the mini-series, though I've forgotten lots of the mini-series. Now I'm wondering what a musical would be like.

I;m thinking, which are the most memorable scenes to me, and how would the songs go, and I'm wondering, will the stage try to make them serious and dramatic, Phantom-like, or kinda campy and funny, like The Producers?

The first realy memorable scene to me in the whole book is when meggie spews on Sister Agatha and then gets caned. Gosh, that really does it for me. You've got to have a song for that. The nuns could get together, Agatha covered in brown crap, and sing:

"How do you solve a problem like Meggie?
How do you get this disgusting creature to keep it down?
How do you find a word to describe Meggie?
A royal puker? A spewer? A chucker? A clown?"

Here are some other fantastic scenes which I'm sure we'll all find very easy to turn into songs - inspiration, anyone?:

Ralph de Bricassart finds Mary Carson dead in her room, half eaten by maggots (that's gotta to be one of the most memorable scenes in the book)
Hal dies
Fee goes into still shock when she finds out Frank is in gaol
Paddy gets killed in the fire, and the description is that he gets caught in a ring of fire and dies being burnt from the outside in, his heart and brain dying last of all and dies screaming Fee's name. Maybe he could sing Fee's name instead.
Meggie is pretty much forced in bed on her wedding night by Luke (The fact that "Luke" and "puke" rhymeis very convenient here)
Justine loses her virginity

Literary Theme Park!

And here's another one I got from the ABC'S First Tuesday Book Club website the literary theme park.

Apparently, and not that surprisingly, someone is already coming up with the idea of a Hary Potter theme park. I guess there'll be a whole school of Hogwarts, Diagon Alley, and little wizarding things to do and games of Quidditch to be had. You can probably pop balls into little owls mouths and if they come out in the right slots and add up to the magic number - and I do mean MAGIC number, you win a Harry toy. Throw cream pies at Dudley's face. Throw cream pies at BOTH of Professor Quirrell's faces. That sort of thing.

But what sort of literary theme park would you like to see, based on what book/series/author? And what would it be like? There have been some nominations on the ABC's website. Of course, they don't promise at all it'll get built ...

I would like to see an Anne of Green Gables tour. I want to do the whole Idlewild, Lake of Shining Waters, Snow Queen and Bonny, Lover's Lane, Violet Vale, Birch Path thing. There should be games where you can walk a ridge pole and win a wig of dyed green hair and somewhere where you can purchase alcoholic raspberry cordial, and a ride where you ave o dodge slates that nearly hit you on the head, and a barge ride down a river.

All sounds good to me!

What literary theme park or tour would you like to see or do, and what activities would you like to be on it?

Five Word Review!

Another idea I read about on ABC'S First Tuesday Book Club website is the idea of a Five Word Book Review!

Choose a book, name the author, and then post a review in FIVE WORDS ONLY!

Many people have chosen to list five very appropiate adjectives, others have gone for a short five word sentence. Maybe you can think of something else?

Will you pick a book to praise or damn?!

Gee, and I thought those 25 word or less comps were hard!

New Petty Crimes

Mr Coffee and I were just walking down Pitt Street side by side the other day, chatting - I think it was about mobiles or something. At any rate, we weren't chatting on our mobiles to each other like something out of an American teen movie.

Some bearded older bloke a little behind us growled at us to "Stop that talking, it's against the LAAAAAW!"

It was a bit tempting to point out that of course he had been talking in order to point out that talking was against the law, so perhaps he had done himself in.

So beware all ye public yammerers - the vigilante citizen police are on their way to arrest you under the Public Yammering Offences Act.

Personally I think an unkempt beard of the type he was bearing was more of a public offence, but apparently I'm not an expert in this area in this kind of law.

Mr Coffee and I both started laughing at this guy, which I believe may break a section of the Act dealing with giggling, laughing and smirking in public, all the more serious for at a public vigilante officer and all the worse the crime since we couldn't easily stop.

He then threatened that "Next time he would HAVE A CAMERA!" and we wouldn't find it so funny.

I hope he has it set to video otherwise his still photo with no audio is going to sorely disappoint him with no yammering evidence. Or perhaps lack of chatter is the way he prefers it.

Someone is a Teapot; or How OJS is Influencing People all over Australia, and indeed, the World

Anyone who was a doubter, start undoubting yourself, starting now.

Anyone who believed it wouldn't happen. Anyone who ridiculed the proposition.

I wrote just about a month or so back about my wonderful idea for converting your loved ones into tableware . After they had died, that was. Ashes to ashes, ashes to porcelain, was my motto. Bone china, actually.

Dine off Aunty May, the delicate dinner plate? Sip out of Cousin Nettie, the Teacup? Take a sugar cube out of Uncle Herbert? What better way to enjoy a comfy Sunday afternoon? And I'm happy to report that I'm not the only one who think s this way.

I was travelling home this evening when I heard the Philip Clarke program on 2GB. I hasten to add that this was not my choice of radio station.

Mr Clarke was reading a TRUE STORY about how a man told him he'd always enjoyed a ritual with his Dad - Tea. yes, every week, teatime.

Then Dad died. He missed his Dad and teatime. It was important to him. He would bemoan "How can I have tea with my Dad again? There's a void in my life!"

Then, he explained, someone suggested how he COULD have tea with his Dad again. They got a potter who worked in clay to mix the ashes with the clay and make him a teapot.

"Now I have tea with my father again!"

Now, it mightn't be bone china, but there you go - that's Daddy the tea pot, and who's to say the whole family mightn't follow suit? Broadcast on 2GB it could easily become a craze, and coffin-makers could be replaced by potters.

Famous people could organise for their ashes to be made into fine china sets and auctioned off at amazingly high prices - only the best exotic herbals drunk out of them, thank you. None of this ordinary cheap teabag stuff.

I still think the person who is begging to be made into a mug is the President of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe. The guy has it written all over him.

To be a mug, or not to be a mug? Mugabe has pretty much told us the answer to that question.

Take up the Belgian Mussel Muscle Challenge!

Folks, you know you want to.

I've agreed in an earlier post that I wasn't so keen on the RedOak Boutique Beer Cafe, but I do engoy the Belgian Beer Cafe. One thing I like about it is the mussels.

You can get them in all sorts of flavours. Not cookies 'n' cream yet, but I'm sure they're working on it. however the Tin Tin au congo, the blue cheese, the Poulette, the white wine ... yum. All extremely tasty, as are the others.

And what really makes them go down nicely is a Wednesday night special when mussels are half priced.

Now I've just checked out their promotions page and here are two very interesting deals:

*On WEDNESDAYS Mussels are half priced between 6PM-10PM for everyone. (bookings recommended)

*MONDAYS-THURSDAYS if you get in after 4PM and leave by 6.30PM, promptly, you will be given a discount of 20% off your bill.

Now I don't know exactly how deal 1 works. Does the "6PM" relate to when the mussels are ordered, or when you book, or when they arrive on your table, or what?

But what I want to know more is whether anyone can manage to combine these two deals (and yes, you have to at least try to eat the mussels. It's not much of a deal if you order them, and try to leave without eating.

Imagine it: A busy Wednesday night. You book a table, you race in at 6PM, you order a pot of mussels, on the double! They come and you chomp them down, faster than a speeding bullet, and leap, push past the herd, to the cashier, with the bill to get

HALF PRICED MUSSELS

with a further 20% off!

You have just entered the hall of fame of extreme cheapness, and what's more, your stomach is ready to kill you.

Anyone ready to take up the challenge?

I would love to hear your story.

I want a Grab-the-toy-with-a-clamp Game Machine Power!

I once wrote a blog article asking which superpower people would have if they could choose one, like say psychic powers or flying or running really fast or shooting lasers or invisibility or something.

However I've thought of a new superpower I'd really want. I'd like to have the power to win at those grab a toy with a clamp game machines.

You know the ones. They are filled with fluffy toys, and you put money in the slot and have a turn. You either use a joystick or buttons to control a claw or clamp, and you get one chance to point it a certain way, then it will go and dive and reach out. If you have aimed well and the toys are positioned nicely it may pick up a toy for you and then drop it in a chute. If you haven't then you don't win anything.

Of course those games are nigh imposible usually because the toys are in a mess, the claw is inaccurate and you only get one chance to dive. And the claw is often really wide so even if it does pick something up it is liable to drop it before it reaches the chute.

Most likely it will dive and all it will do is toss around a few fluffy toys.

I think it's very frustrating. I tried a couple of those toy machines out. No deal! I still would have liked that devil Hello Kitty. Just for the heck of it, why not?

If I had a magic power, the claw would pick up a toy every single time it dived. Maybe it would pick up two. And it would drop them in the chute. I would have the largest collection of soft toys ever that way.

It is not entirely selfish. I would have an overflow so I would donate some to little kiddies in hospital. Maybe. When I have got bored with lining them all up in rows and photoing them and picking out my top 100 out of all the green teddies or whatever.

I spend nights thinking about that claw and wondering what I did wrong, why I missed, why the toy slipped. Someday the nightmare has to stop, and if I had the superpower maybe I could live a normal life. Someday.

I'm a Mug!

Over dinner, my mother pronounced her preference for fine bone china over other kinds of china. She wants to replace a mug she broke at work with one made of this elegant china.

"Why's it called bone china?" asked my brother.

"'Cause it's got bones in it," I explained. None of my family believed me at first, but it's true. I read up on it a bit more closely to ffind out how it's made. Bone china is a large percentage animal bone ash, as I reported back to my Dad.

"But why not HUMAN BONE ASH?" I mused.

"Good idea!" enthused father, who has taken to the idea of being cremated. "I'm a mug in life, why not make me a mug in death!"

I now present to you my services - or my FAMILY DINNER SERVICES.

Don't put granny in an urn - Make Granny into an urn!

Preserve the whole family in a classy dinnerware service. The Family Dinner Service, where you can choose the dinner service piece you'd like to be that represents YOUR personality! Would you like to be a fancy jug, an elegant platter, a smooth plate?

Be part of the family dinner ritual for decades after your death!

Or perhaps you'd like to be a little jam pot - not just be preserved but HOLD PRESERVES!

It's all up to you, at CREMATIONS and CERAMICS - We CARE for your WARE!

Law & Order: DUI

Recently I was sent a little note about a crime-writing competition, and accompanying it, a useful pamphlet with crime-writing tips.

One stuck out to me: Don't take 'crime' too literally; most crime fiction involves murder. Fraud and espionage rarely makes for a good crime novel

Well, there went all my fantastic ideas, just like that, but I just don't see why people are so bloody (excuse the pun) narrow-minded. I can assure you that every crime has its thrills and spills, and if you think you can just get your jollies out of murders, then you're missing out on a whole buffet of potential ecstasy the crime world has to offer you.

Here was a synopsis I had all planned:

Stacey is a beautiful and misunderstood young lady with a traumatic past. We follow her throughout the story as she divulges more and more about her difficult childhood. She has few friends and has isolated many in her life. The suspense is immense, until one day Stacey is at the mall and decides to rebel against the world that has caged her glorious soul by stealing two erasers.

That one was going to be called "Winona Forever".

Then I sketched out:

The detectives are called to the crime scene. The evidence is scanty, but they are making do with the photographs they have. They have no eyewitnesses - at least there are none who'll make a statement - and the man who owns the nearby pub is tightlipped. But Special Agent Shamrock Combes will figure it out in the end - he always does - which bastard really was the owner of the sedan that was driving 10km over the limit past the camera, and possibly under the influence, given the probabilities? If only the camera had taken a slightly better shot ... (but difficulties like this never faze Shamrock)!

If we're man's best friend, why do you still call us bitches?

The heading is my answer to the question "What would dogs say if they could talk?", but I'm sure plenty of people out there have their own idea about that.

The question was spun out by HarperCollins, and winning answers won a Selby pack - mine got me a pack, but I really thought it wouldn't, because Selby is a children's series and I thought the bitches bit might exclude me. Seems not.

A Selby pack was a copy of Duncan Ball's Selby Santa, a dog plush toy and a Selby cap. It's childish, but then Selby's a favourite of mine. I got the first Selby book when I was a kid (even then it was a simple read for me) and the series is still going strong. And I must admit that I catch up on Selby's adventures every now and then when I'm in bookstores!

For those who haven't had the joy of Selby in your life, the premise is this:

Selby is a normal dog, who lives with his owners, Dr Trifle, a somewhat eccentric inventor/scientist, and his wife Mrs Trifle, Mayor of Bogusville. Then one day Selby realises he understands human language. He decides to teach himself to speak it. After acquiring language skills, he thinks it'll be a great idea to reveal his secret to his owners as a Christmas present.

He's just about to do it, when he overhears a conversation that makes him realise that if the Trifles (lovely people though they are) knew that he were an intelligent, conversant dog, he'd lose his laidback, leisurely life. He'd be running errands, answering phonecalls, and in general being a slave.

He's best off keeping his secret a secret and using it to his advantage when he can, but keeping his old life where he can laze about the house and be the adored and looked after pet with no responsibilities.

Of course, this isn't easy, because Selby's ability to understand language makes him a sensitive, feeling, understanding, intelligent dog with curiosity, ambition, worries ... and the ability to get himself into a lot of trouble, all the while trying not to give his secret away while trying to use his skills to his advantage when he can.

There must be something like 30 Selby books out there now.

I find Selby fun - maybe also because in the whole thing, he's incautious, and just a bit up-himself! Just as many kids like their books - the adults around him are kind of gormless, even if one's a scientist and one's the Mayor, and Selby the talking dog is far wittier than them - and knows it - and doesn't try to hide it.

In Selby's Secret, Selby kisses himself in the mirror, saying "Oh you perfect pooch! You're my kind of dog."

He's my kind of dog, too!

How would we dispose of the Queen?

I've just been reading a book called The Queen and I. I've done everything a bit topsy turvy because late last year I read Queen Camilla by the same author, Sue Townsend, and I've just realised you're supposed to read them in the other order. Still, I understood Queen Camilla at the time. However, I recommend reading them the other way round. And if you're into Royal Irreverence, I recommend them fullstop.

Anyhow, I'm not a monarchist, but the book did make me feel sorry for Queen Elizabeth when she got ousted. The start of the novel is when the Queen gets kicked out of her Queenship and Britain starts as a Republic.

The Royal Family is exiled into a slummy area, and they exist on payouts and stuff. Phillip goes nutters, the Princes talk in street slang, Anne starts flirting with commoners, and Charles gets thrown in gaol for assault. And Princess Di is bugger all use at assisting him from the outside.

You've got to feel sorry for the Queen and all, trying to feed her dog, make a broth, deliver a neighbour's baby and get poor useless Phillip out of bed, while still trying to visit the Queen Mother who is in a time warp. Oh, and trying to cope with the fact that her son's in gaol.

It did make me think a bit about how we keep going on about how we should just get rid of the monarchy, but get rid of them .... HOW? We never really talk about that. WHat should we do, chuck them in the river and drown them?

When we get rid of a politician, we give them a hefty pension, in thanks for services rendered. Lots of politicians take time to get another job after politics. Some don't get one at all.

But what about the Royal Family?

After all, while we may think it's a bt annoying they've been living off us for years, it's probably cruel to throw them into the streets when they've grown up with skills like polo and curtseying, and this isn't entirely their fault. In fact, it's a lot our fault - our fault as a society, not individuals, so it's our duty to set them up so we don't have little Prince Phillip hobos with cardboard signs round their necks saying "donate 5c for a bit of high tea and scones and jams and cream, please"

We could possibly pension The Queen off completely by selling some of those nice jewels in her Crown, and maybe give her a complimentary life membership to a bowls club and let her keep her dogs. A nanny flat out the back of Charlie's place and she'd be all set.

Charles has all his gardening skills at his fingertips; what he doesn't have is the practical skills to make a go of it. Perhaps a gardener's apprenticeship, or a course in setting up his own small business, charged to the state.

We could also think about complimentary surgery for his ears.

Camilla could just do with a new wardrobe, and she and Princess Anne could probably get together and put their love of horses to some profitable use. I think both are past the jockey stage - Camilla especially - but surely grooming, training and breeding aren't out of the question. Or maybe they could just dress up as horses and amuse kids at birthday parties. The possibilities are endless.

And as for the Princes, Prince Harry probably just needs someone to keep him from becoming another Corey Worthington and throwing an Internet drug fuelled party. That would be enough for now.