Politically Correct Comedy

There was an episode on Kath & Kim recently where the foxy ladies waded into the election debate. Brett gets fired from work under the new Workplace Relation laws, and Kath snaps "Bloody Howard!"

I was amused to read a comment from a reader in a newspaper that asked whether comedians knew that everytime they bought into a political debate, they lost half of their potential audience, and therefore they should stay away from it. It was bad stuff. His wife had tried watching Kath & Kim, but after the Howard comment she'd been turned off for good.

It's a pretty hard life out there for comedians. I guess some whiner is going to get there next and tell them that sitcoms which extol the virtue of the rounded happy family turn off all those people who are single or who had unhappy childhoods and don't agree, and that's bad stuff, and really shouldn't be done.

So I tried drafting a POLITICALLY CORRECT SITCOM scene:

Brett: I've just been sacked.

Kath: Bloody .... I mean, not as balanced as I previously would have thought of him before you were sacked, Howard!

Kim: Mum, that's not noice!

Sharon: I'd have to agree with Kim, Mrs D. May I please have one of those low-fat, sugarless muesli cookies that's good for your cholesterol and helps lower your calorie intake and battle obesity, Mrs D.?

Kath: Ok, Sharon.

Brett: Although I was disappointed with my lot I do think that there is a lighter side to this.

Kath: Philosophically speaking I think you may be right. Perhaps I was to harsh in my judgment. Howard may be a son of a female dog but he may also be one of those floaty white things that plays harps in heaven. It's all got to do with perspective, don't you think?

Kim: I think you're right Mum. It's perspective.

Brett: Either way you can't be bitter because as a useful Australian citizen I would have to contribute by finding gainful employment not being a dole bludger.

Sharon: Way to go Brett! Gee, these cookies are good, Mrs D!

Kath: How many have you had, Sharon?

Sharon: Ummmm ....

Kim: Never mind ....

(All put arms together and sing "mateship ... mateship ... mateship" with the sounds of panpipes in the background, and Sharon's chomping)

I would say this is definitely a .... joke.

I guess a case of do as I say, not as I do?

In today's Daily Telegraph:

Don't be selfish:
have kids

Pope's blunt message

Wonka Wisdom

I must say I must be the coolest person ever. Or at least close to.

I just received my Borders Shortlist (sign up at the Borders Book Webpage ) and I found out they were celebrating Roald Dahl's birthday, which is on the 13th September. And you know, that makes for a whole lot more interesting stuff in a newsletter than celebrating APEC.

F'rinstance, they listed four top Dahl books. Matilda, The Twits, The BFG and Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. That's great, though I would have a hard time not squeezing in The Witches there too. I can also say I just read Esio Trot recently and I have a great image of tortoises all over a living room that is pretty darn cool.

Then there was the Wonka Quiz.

I got 100%. 10/10. I am officially a Wonka master! Unfortunately I don't win a Golden Ticket but I have my self respect and a huge ego now, even bigger than when I wrote my last post.

I can say I am one of those people who knew what Hair Toffee does and what happened to Prince Pondicherry and which flavour bar the last Golden Ticket was hidden in. I am officially Wonka Wise, Scrumptiously Sage, Chocaliciously, Scrumpliciously Cool!

This day is one I have been waiting for all my life. Joyous!

Baby Games

Over on TimT's blog he's pining a bit for kids' game shows and giving us the latest rundown on the Einstein Factor for kids.

While there's Australia's Brainiest Kid, and the Einstein Factor For Kids, and It's Academic! (for schoolchildren teams), and Australian Idol for younger people who don't want to be kids and put on so much makeup that they look older than me, I think we're missing out on many of the fine possibilities in reality, game show and TV sport production that could be aimed at children.

What about "I want that Mummy!"

How many little kids have found themselves bitterly disappointed with their families and the parents they've been born to, and been absolutely sure there's been a mix up at the hospital? This is the Perfect Match for Kids. Children behind a door and ask several possible parent couples questions. Can Dexter the Robot pair up who is the more likely Mummy and Daddy for this child? Maybe there WAS a mix up at the hospital! At least they may be going home with a more suitable parent couple ... or at least out on one date with them to test them out ...

Or the Bratz model - "I want THAT, Mummy"

Select the 12 top tantrum tossers in the country, and bring them to a showdown in the local department store or supermarket. Trot them down the aisles and see who can wear down a professional actor, posing as a Mummy, the fastest. Who will give in first - Master Mummy, to the screaming fits for marshmallows and Lego and a baby Ipod? Or the Master Tantrum Tosser to threats of no Wiggles concerts for the next three hundred years ... stay tuned!

Baby Sumo Wrestling

If obesity is such a problem in this country, why not celebrate and take advantage of it rather than hide it and be ashamed of it? Ya know what I'm talking about.

Isle Of Ignoramus

Recently, the International Committee On Citizens And Immigrants came together to discuss a serious matter seriously, not just swap Iced Vovos and sushi recipes.

Previously, citizenship tests had been discussed. Some countries had them, and some hadn't. But many were thinking of taking them on. These included a test of random questions, which could include anything about the food and sporting history of the country to which were the Prime Minister's underpants of choice that day. Some countries accepted you if you got the latter question right, some expelled you if you did. Others included language proficiency tests, criminal history checks, and tests by large highly trained sniffer dogs. This was a matter for contention, as some countries did not think body odour ought to be a factor taken into account in whether you were a worthy citizen. However, an overwhelmingly number believed in it. "If a person stinks, the country sinks," chanted the supporters.

But this seminar, it was found that not only did many applying immigrants fail basic "sample answer" tests for citizenship, but the ones who had been born in a place failed miserably too.

The Australian representatives put forth their side:
While the committee was forced to accept multiple answers for some questions, ("Who is the Opposition Leader of Australia?" Kevin Rudd, Peter Costello, the ABC; "What does the "W." stand for in "John W. Howard"?" Winston, Wanker, Worst PM, "What is Australia's official language?" English, swearing, texting; were all considered acceptable, were some examples) applicants did terribly, and many citizens even worse.

The panel scratched through a bundle of tests who wrote that the Australian of the Year was "really cool - I watch each week - I will audition next year and make my dreams come true and by the way I love you Marcia and I hate Dicko!!!!!!!! xxxxxooooo!!!"

The International Committee showed several humiliatingly similar stories, such as people who had searched for Condoleeza Rice in the grains section of their supermarket.

It was then that it was decided to set up an Isle of Ignoramus. This may take some time as it as realised this may have to be a rather large Isle.

Those who could not show basic knowledge of their homeland would be shipped to Ignoramus - unless they could apply successfully, meeting the standard requirements of a citizenship test, to some other country.

Ignoramians would be supplied with basic water and shelter. It would be a jungle isle, so they could easily pick fruit and hunt for food. There would be some nice yummy cockroaches to eat should they get the urge for something more substantial. They may find nuts and berries, and possibly, if they were lucky, a cocoa bean to sweeten the whole thing up.

Courtesy of the International Committee a library would be set up on Ignoramus. There would be a limited number of books, texts and so forth, on various countries and cultures, but certainly enough information to study and pass a sample answer test, should an Ignoramian wish to improve his or her status in life. It may be necessary to share or fight for such resources, but this would show the will to learn - or the ability for those on Ignoramus to learn civilised ways and negotiate win-win situations.

Twice a year, Ignoramians would be given the opportunity to resit a citizenship test for the country of their choice - if they wish. Should they pass they would be allowed to leave Ignoramus.

The Committee thought the idea a resounding success. Now, the only question remained - where should they put Ignoramus?

Infuriating bits of technology

A laptop has been frustrating Mr Coffee lately.

Laptops are very good at that. They are very infuriating creatures, because just as you are getting cross, and dancing about the room screaming, "I'm going to kill you if you don't do exactly what I want you to do - now accept this password/load up again!" they remain very composed. They don't react. They don't even blush. They don't say a thing. They just keep waiting for you to get crosser. Unfortunately I fall for that trick a lot and start crying and say things like,

"WHY? WHY? WHY DO THIS TO ME? Say something won't you?" It increases my blood pressure no end and I often end up rattling the computer which doesn't do too well for its functioning.

This is not uncommon. In fact it is VERY COMMON.

There are, perhaps you are unaware, every day people who are dancing about their computers screaming at them, and the computers don't scream back and the people get cross at them for not screaming. On the other hand if they did scream back they'd probably die of a heart attack. So it's kind of like a Catch-22.

Jack Yardley, 27, was dancing about, screaming at his computer, when he could take it no longer.

"If you don't do what I want you to do I will throw you off the flipping Gap!" he screamed.

The computer considered Yardley mildly.

"Insolent beast!" Screeched Yardley. he pressed some more keys. He fiddled with more cables. He turned the computer on and off. Nothing more.

"I can't take this an more!"

Yardley grabbed the laptop, and ran off to the Gap, and with a bloodcurdling scream, he threw himself AND the laptop off it.

It was a first, and the story made headlines.

MAN JUMPS OFF GAP WITH LAPTOP HUDDLED IN ARMS.
MAN DEAD. LAPTOP STILL SHOWS SIGNS OF FUNCTIONING.
"INPUT PLEASE. PLEASE TYPE PASSWORD. LOGON OR CANCEL?"

Abscond Responsibility: Give it to God

Fob off responsibility for violent actions and homophobic tendencies to the Work Of God (An Act of God). Or,

"Where God and Satan and Collaborate, and God gives the order to his henchman, Satan, and Satan indulges in some gratuitous but heavenly poofter bashing on Oxford Street"

(extracted from today's Sun Herald - August 19 2007)

Against God's Word

ANYONE who has been a committed Christian for a few years and who knows the spirit realm can reveal why it is that gays get a hard time ("Thugs targeting gay clubs and bars", The Sun Herald, August 12).

What they are doing is unscriptural (against God's word and his commandments) and by adopting the homosexual lifestyle, authority is given over to the evil spirit realm for Satan to kill, steal and destroy those he chooses to do so in that lifestyle (John 10:10). The solution is simple: dump the lifestyle and Satan loses his authority. Likewise if the young children are told Harry Potter witchcraft practices, Satan also loses access to the young children. It is all to do with legal authority. If God says "No", He means it. His No is only for our betterment.

Graeme Gibson
Sylvania

Isn't it so cool to have a letter endosing bashings of humans and then talking about God, Christianity and "legal authority?

"We don't kill people, we destroy demons." - Dad, "Frailty"

Free Trivets!!!!!!!!!

Now that the Borders Books Competition is coming to a close, another store is - or was - giving out freebies!

Woolworths!

If you happen to be something of a trivet fan, I have good news and bad news for you.

The good news:

Yesterday, my mother was hunting for some lovely metal trivets, and she found some strong and rather pretty ones too. With pictures of flowers in them. You can't really beat a metal-tulip trivet, well, not for my mum anyhow. And when she took them to the Woolies checkout they scanned in for $0.00!

I wish this would happen with large canisters of oil and so forth, but a free trivet is a free trivet. Yippee!

The bad news: My mother cleaned out all of the trivets at that Woolies that night. I don't know if there is a crisis-trivet shortage in Australia at the moment, but if so, we're holding them to ransom.

Sorry.

Panasonic Stuffs Up, and We Pay

Recently - like over a month ago - I purchased the SC-PM54 Panasonic HiFi system. It's a black shiny thing and it was advertised as being able to play WMA files and MP3's.

Whoopee!

So I burned a disk of WMAs and MP3s, mostly WMAs.

And guess what - the WMAs wouldn't play. There was a little message flashing up "ERROR" each time I tried.

I checked the Panasonic webpage. Lo and behold, the reference to WMAs had vanished. But there was a cached site from just after I had purchased the stereo confirming what I had seen - that the advertisements HAD been advertising the capacity of the stereo to play WMAs.

So I contacted Panasonic and explained that I'd been ripped off. And what's more, they'd tried to cover it off, not by apologising on their website or to previous purchasers, but mysteriously deleting their reference to it one day.

It took over a month for them to get back to me - and I had to call them and prompt them.

What did they offer me?

"You can take the stereo back to the store and exchange it for instore credit at the price you paid for it, and get something you prefer," said the lady. "That's all we can offer."

She tried to sound really generous.

Hang on - what does this mean?

I lose the time I spent burning WMAs and the disk I burnt.

My mother lugged a huge stereo down the street, and now we are expected to bundle it up again and lug it back.

And then to get instore credit - not taking into account whether we actually want to spend more at that store. I mean - they stuffed up, and that's why we spent money at their store. Should Panasonic dictate that we spend money at that store again and restrict our purchases again?

Totally uncool.

I thought so, and asked the lady on the phone for a contact-back number.

To add insult upon insult, I got a call soon after saying "By the way, the return back offer only lasts for 14 days after today ..."

Uh-yeah.

So what does Panasonic get out of this? If I return it, after I've done all the leg-work and am stuck with instore credit instead of the cash I doled out, and have to go hunting for ANOTHER stereo system, Panasonic simply has a stereo system returned to them, which was simply "refunded", and they can flog off to someone else at the same price with no fear of getting into the same pot of boiling water because they've now changed their ad. And since I only bought it recently, and the return offer only lasts for 14 days, they can bet their boots it's in saleable condition.

Oh, too easy.

It's time for these places to pay when they stuff up. May a WMA blow up in their face. Or something.

An Even More Time-Consuming and Mind-Numbing Way To Waste Your Time Than Browsing Blogs

I haven't been writing posts or commenting on blogs much lately or even reading them.

Why not?

I found this competition on the Borders site recently - World's Best Fabricator's - Win A Bookcase

Comp ends 20th August

You actually don't get a bookcase but there are lots of books to win, like 100 of them. Someone is about to win 100 books at a go, but there are 100 books to be won individually - actually a whole lot more practical if you wouldn't have room for 100 books and have read some of those titles already, but wouldn't mind getting a freebie. And six $100 vouchers, and lots of coupons for Borders buyers.

But it's a pretty time-consuming game if you want some of the better prizes like a free book. It can still be a bit time-consuming if you want a better coupon (On my first few go's I got coupons for reduced price manga titles, and I'm not a big manga title buyer, so that wasn't much good to me).

It can also be rather addictive, ieven if you're just like me and waste a lot of time staring at the bookcase and trying to decide what your next purchases would be if only you had a few extra few hundred dollars to blow on fiction, and then realising you were getting sucked into the whole Borders gimmick right along.

Anyhow, good luck everybody!

A Nerd, Nurd, Geek or Dork?

I read this story with Mr Coffee just the other day, about the guy who was called a Nerd online and he drove from Virginia to Texas and almost killed him. The victim lived near Waco, and seemed to attract guys of the Whacko type.

N.E.R.D. - darn those four letter words.

That led to a debate with Mr Coffee and his sister - what was the biggest, most insulting 4 letter word - GEEK, DORK or NERD? The words flew fast around the room and I thought I might just get killed.

Mr C's sister actually thought Nerd sounded not too bad and couldn't see what the whacko from Virginia was on about; Mr Coffee didn't think Geek was quite as insulting as Nerd. But what did they mean?

"Dork means socially clumsy and pretty dumb around people," I pronounced, hoping no one was reading my eyes and thinking about how I was seeing my ninth grade years flash before me - and that awful outfit I wore for three years religiously in Uni ... and my ...

"And geek is kind of like being a specialist in one very narrow area of knowledge, but not having a rounded knowledge," explained Mr Coffee. "That's not too bad. I like that."

"But what does "Nerd" mean?"

"Suspenders," said Mr Coffee.

"And socks with sandals," I added.

So what did the Macquarie Dictionary say?

Dork revealed social clumsiness and ineptness.

But Nerdiness? "Also can be spelt "Nurd". That's strange, I'd never seen that. "Means: an idiot, fool." Nothing about suspender or socks with sandals.

And Geek? Nothing about specialised knowledge there: "An idiot fool, someone who holds themselves up to ridicule and indulges in such activities as biting the heads off chickens," Mr C's sister read out. "You like that?"

Nerd, Nurd, Geek, Dork - what's your favourite 4 letter word?

Mr Coffee is cheating on me!

I am convinced Mr Coffee must be cheating on me.
He has won about the last 4 matches of Uno from me, all by a massive margin, and one by over 500 points!

You only need 500 points to win Uno.

There is something in that.

What shall I do?

I read a book on 100% predictable things men will do when they cheat, and the top two things are they will deny it, and they will express disapproval in cheating.

Mr Coffee has already said he doesn't think it's good to cheat at Uno!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

He then denied cheating when confronted.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

Can I keep the Uno relationship with him if there is no longer trust?

You Take The Greatness, I'll Take the Get Out of Gaol Free Card

I read this great letter in The Daily Telegraph today, contributing to that fiery debate where people try to defend either private or public schools, mostly trying to either validate which one they went to in the hope someone will look not snub them at the next social function, or to get the Howard Government to direct funding to their kiddies' school, not realising Howard is saving it up for a big all-expenses-paid-by-the-taxpayer holiday for himself and a fully furnished luxury bunker in the case of nuclear war:

"Unwanted" Underrated

Selective Schools are selective because they can select who they want, but more importantly who they don't want. Not for them the poor and unwashed, nor the behaviourally challenged, although I know that some Catholic schools do try to take all comers.

Those unwanted children are the responsibility of the general public school system. Have any beneficiaries of these special expensive educations achieved worldwide recognition for their contributions to mankind? I know of many strugglers who achieved greatness.

If you are protected from the realities of life how can you appreciate the problems that some people are forced to contend with?

K. Manning
Tamworth

1. Is K here talking about selective or private schools? Last time I looked, selective schools weren't that expensive, it's the private ones that shoot through the roof. Back to school!
2. .... depending on selection process, selective schools do take "poor" people. Selective schools' method is usually based on talent/intellectual capacity/skills/performance etc, not money. Is this the mix up of Private and Public again?
3. It's a great leap to assume that someone who has had a private education has lacked compassion, or doesn't have problems or troubles that they can share with others. This sounds like K here has made an easy separation "There are strugglers - nothing goes right for them - they understand the real world - they go to the general system - then there are the people on easy street - they are rich and everything goes right for them and they are protected and live in an illusory world".
Ever thought that people who may go to a private/selective school may not have things like the extreme lower end of income to deal with in their family, but may:
Struggle with budget anyway because lots of it goes to school fees?
Have split families?
Have image problems?
Struggle with discrimination, social violence, bullying, and crime?
Have academic difficulties, or difficulties keeping up with expectations?
Have health problems?
Suffer from tragedies, pressure and so on?
Have to make difficult decisions, and have both good and bad luck at different stages of their lives?
Get mixed up with drugs, not quite sure about their bodies, about sex, about employment, about what they're going to do with their lives?

and so on?

Plenty of people from everywhere face these things every day - that's real life.

4. You know strugglers who achieved greatness - good for you. I know people from exclusive schools who are compassionate and who have worked for the community selflessly, and some real ratbags from public school who despite their struggles tend to trample on everyone else and have a belief in their right to gain without work. The point being, your school doesn't determine whether you have compassion, and being at a public school won't make you a community achiever, nor will being from the private/selective sector make you a snobbish, aloof bum.

5. Despite the implication of this letter that there is a need for people to mix with the "behaviourally challenged" to achieve social greatness, if you don't want your kids to, all power to you. If behaviourally challenged means bullying, disruptive and violent, I can see good reason to get the heck out of there.

It reminds me of when I was talking to a man who was in custody - for 8 criminal charges in a row. He told me about some of the gaol culture, and said to me, despite the shock and disgust of some of the doings of inmates, "You know, it's [gaol] is a real learning experience!"

"You know, I don't think I'm in a hurry to become an inmate and get that learning experience!" I replied.

There are some experiences in life that being 'protected' from - well, who cares if someone uses it as an insult?

You Know, Uno Anonymous

I think I should start an Uno Anonymous Society. There would be one member right here, me. But with a name like Uno Anonymous, that number is about right.

I'm addicted. It's dire. Lately, Mr Coffee has won several matches of Uno by massive margins, and I'm desperate to win them back. It's a matter of pride, I tell you. It's a matter, of you know, Uno.

My desperation has made me do some silly things. In my wild fever of sorting my hand out so I'd have the Mr Snuffleupagus's all ready in a row to defend, I failed to note that Mr Coffee didn't say "Uno!" - and I got hit with a menacing Draw 4 and he won over 200 points from me in one game. A cruel blow. That's what happens when cards make you throw caution to the wind, and my Uno Society is determined to cap that.

The more I lose, the more I play, like a pokey machine addict, or Pauline Hanson.

I beg for help.

The Tale Of The Control-Freak Office Manager

I have just recovered from a weekend of irreverent slobbish lazying, DVD-watching and honey-macadamia nut gorging, and reluctantly crawl out to the real virtual world.

I am glad to report that I have indeed finished the 75 days of Law placement - hurrah! I walked back down Liverpool Street with my fellow law clerk on my last afternoon, having an emotional farewell every few steps, and then reminding myself I had a celebratory Japanese dinner awaiting me (early booking) so I couldn't keep doing this, so I dashed off after the 473rd hug and promise to keep in touch by mobile, SMS, email and to pop in at lunch times for no particular reason.

Some things, though I won't miss about work:

1. Waking up early by my alarm
2. Waking up again by my second alarm because I dozed off after my first
3. Running to catch the bus
4. Running to catch the bus in the rain
5. Chain smokers
6. No time to blog
7. This one pop song that I don't know the name of but I know the tune by heart and I know one line by heart. It must come on the radio at least four times a day, and every time it does, my office manager starts singing it out loud. Badly. And shrieks out one line piercingly. Help!
8. My office manager

Yes, my office manager is one of the chain smokers.

Perhaps my Office Manager can best be explained through a little, dare I say, moral story?

The Tale Of The Control-Freak Office Manager

Once upon a time there was an Office Manager who managed a little office where there were some animals working for her. They were not stupid animals, but she treated them as though they were stupid, and she gave them rather confusing orders, which made them look stupid.

At least to her.

One day an iguana came to work for the Office Manager.

"You must not answer the telephone, unless I am too busy to answer it," said the Office Manager.

The iguana ignored the telephone. "Why aren't you answering the telephone, I am busy!" screamed the Office Manager, getting rather red.

The iguana was rather confused, as the Office manager had been playing solitaire on the computer and having a smoke. But next time she answered the phone. "Put it down, I told you not to answer it!" shrieked the Office Manager.

Poor Iguana!

It was like this for the Pretty little Hen upstairs, and the horse, and even the Lion was cowered even though he was supposed to be king. The Office Manager shrieked and confused them all. A rabbit gave her resignation, and a giraffe proudly walked out the door - or would have looked very proud if he hadn't had to bend his neck a lot to get out.

Very soon it was just the Office Manager sitting there with her solitaire and her smokes.

Wondering what she - how she - did manage.

P.S. I rather liked to be an iguana, at least just once in my blogging life!
P.P.S. Yes, Mr Coffee and I did watch 'Miss Potter' as our celebratory end of Law Placement DVD. Recommended.