An Even Darker Side of Mary Poppins

Earlier this year, I suggested that Tim Burton direct a Mary Poppins film, which would show the darker side of Mary Poppins.

This was suggested to me in a dream and I'm still convinced it could work.

It seems that I'm not the only person who has a Poppins fantasy, or the wish to see Poppins' dark side. I was reading a movie message board today, and in a thread on suggestions for remakes of movies, a poster suggested a remake of Mary Poppins by Quentin Tarantino ... a really dark side to Mary Poppins.

Now, let me see, how exactly would it work?

I'm picturing Jane and Michael and the twins a little older now, and both are pot-smoking, cocaine-doing hired guns.

The scene should probably open at a cafe ... no, let's make that an upside down tea party on the ceiling, where Jane and Michael indulge in some badass gangster chat that is lightly disguised as philosophy about something totally pop culture irrelevant to the story, and use dirty language as much as possible.

Something like:

Jane: You see, Michael, I got this theory.
Michael: What's the f*ing theory?
Jane: You know that f*ing carousel we was riding on with the f*ing ponies?
Michael: Yeah?
Jane: Well, that is actually symbolic for child molestation.
Waiter: What'll it be today?
Michael: Can't you see we're f*ing floating on the ceiling having a private conversation? Come levitating later when I look like I'm ready to have my upside down jams and scones replenished.
Waiter: (sarcastically) Yes sir.
Michael: That's what's wrong with this country. You can't get no good customer service. he must've been molested by a f*ing carousel pony as a child and it messed with his sh*tworthy brain.
Jane: I was telling you about my theory. It's like, the carousel's spinning round, and the ponies are bobbing up and down, and the kids are being put on them by their parents, up down up down up down and this is just like being sexually molested, you know what I'm saying?
Michael: I hear you. Oh, shouldn't we be robbing that upside down cashier right now?


In the new Tarantino version of Mary Poppins, that spoonful of sugar Mary Poppins advocates probably costs thousands and has to be smuggled in over the border, but it really gives you a high!

The Making of A Legend: Gone With the Wind

One of the great things about being unemployed is that you can sit back and watch TV shows you wouldn't be able to watch if you were at work. (I can't watch TV much at night as my Dad dominates the telly with his endless reruns of Law and Order.)

Today I saw a show I'd taped, The Making of a Legend: Gone With the Wind. I'm an official Gone With the Wind junkie (see the link on this site to the GWTW Forever site).

I have the DVD of the feature film, I just hadn't realised how much had gone into making it.

I knew, of course, that GWTW was the only book Margaret Mitchell wrote. Scarlett was initially called Pansy, and the book was not initially written for publication. Then a publisher read it and was interested, but didn't like the name Pansy, so Margaret Mitchell agreed to change it to Scarlett.

And then David O. Selznick secured the rights for $50,000 to produce GWTW.

I watched the show as they showed the search for Scarlett. It seemed they had an easier time deciding on Rhett Butler - the public demanded they choose Clark Gable. The only problem was that Gable was with MGM and Selznick wanted to do the project alone. It wasn't for ages and after lots of money and negotiations that he made a deal with MGM - they would let him 'use' Gable, and they'd also lend some money to fund the project, so long as they got half the profits of GWTW for the next 7 years.

Then it turned out that Gable didn't particularly like the deal, as he didn't want to play Rhett, so they 'sweetened' the deal for him by giving him ... $50,000 so he could pay off his wife and get rid of her and a weekend off so he could marry his new girlfriend (an interest payoff!)

Anyhow, I watched a lot of the auditions with the different Scarletts and Ashleys. After seeing what Vivien Leigh and Leslie Howard can do - especially Vivien Leigh - watching the different screen tests is like watching a series of Australian Idol auditions, you just feel how wrong they are and you want a nasty judge to pop up and give them a gong and tell them they're absolute crap.

It was amazing to see how much work went into creating - or destroying - some of those sets. They decided one way to make a set was to burn down an old set and then rebuild. An idea they had was to burn down the old set and then film it as the burning of Atlanta. At the time they hadn't got Leigh and Gable working yet so a stunt double is what you see when you see the horse and carriage driving through burning Atlanta at the time. And they really did just burn down a whole set, film it, and then rebuild a set.

Then some sets were only partially built - for instance some of the big houses were built without roofs - it was less expensive - then an art director comes in later and "draws in" different style roofs later to make the different places.

And the scene in Atlanta with the soldiers all lying wounded ... well while they called in many extras to lie there as wounded men, but they didn't have enough so they put in some dummies as well and instructed extras how they could pull a string on the dummy so the dummy could move a little so it looked alive. (Apparently Margaret Mitchell's husband said when he saw that scene that if they'd had that many soldiers, they would have won the war!) I know, I know, I guess they cheated too because those extras, they only pretended to be wounded. Many of them weren't really shot or anything at all. They only pretended to be shot. And int he scene where Dr Meade is supposed to amputate the leg - I think he doesn't amputate it at all. It's all faked!

So much work went into the recreation, it was amazing, especially when you consider there was not the advantage of the special effects that we have today.

I watched in amazement as every detail of dress was attended to ... the only thing I think I could compare it to was watching This is It when I watched the perfectionism that went in to making the Michael Jackson tour show. How many people actually put the time and effort and research into their shows any more. It's immense and it's amazing.

By the way I still love Scarlett's green barbecue dress - it must be her most famous - but now I've really taken a fancy to that little light blue jacket and white dress she wears to the store when she's caught with Ashley.

Please give generously

The other day I was at home rather late, still in my tracksuit that serves as good nightwear. Not exactly in a see-other-people mood, I'm trying to work on one of my computing assignments and get it in by Father's Day, the deadline. My terminal is labelled "Cygwin Bash Shell" on the shortcut on my laptop, and I sure as hell feel like bashing its shell sometimes when I see those errors pop up.

Anyhow, I hear a knock at the door and I decided to answer it despite my non-people-ish mood. After all, if it's a competition that I wasn't aware I'd entered and I'd just won a year's supply of Nudie Juice or something, it might brighten up my day. And if it were a member of my fa,ily who'd forgotten their keys and I refused to answer, I'd never hear the end of it. Not worth not answering!

So I went to the door, answered, and it was a lady from World Vision who started off on her obviously rehearsed spiel,

"Hi, I'm from World Vision, I don't wish to put a dampener on your day, but a child dies in this world every 3 seconds ..."

She got about as far as "I don't wish to put a dampener on your day" when the first thing I thought was "Is she apologising for coming to the door, because yes, that did put a dampener on my day. I'm in my trakkies turn pjs! And if she didn't want to put a dampener on my day, why did she knock?"

While there may be some people who absolutely jump with joy at the sight of a charity collector aproaching them, I'm not one of them, and I don't know anyone who's confessed it's one of their little happinesses. On the other hand I realise that charity collectors really believe in their causes and want to collect money for them, and they choose something which they know - or a pretty sure - will get a strong emotional reaction. For instance, dying children.

We all feel strongly about dying children. Or people with terminal cancer. Or ... well there are plenty of other things that get us sad, emotional, or angry at the state of the world.

I'm envisioning a new kind of sales approach,

"Hi, I'm Dorothy, I don't wish to put a dampener on your day, but a charity collector harasses someone for money at least every three seconds on average around the world, and I'm sure you'll agree that's totally unacceptable. We've had a wonderful response in relation to that from your neighbours, and if you'll just sign here it's totally tax deductible ..."

Quitisms

This was my word verification a few days ago and I thought it was such a cool word I'd try to figure out what it meant.

A quick Google search gives the meaning for QUIETISM

1. A form of Christian mysticism enjoining passive contemplation and the beatific annihilation of the will.
2. A state of quietness and passivity.

While there seem to be some references to quitism on the web, I can't find a definition of one so ...

The first thing that popped into my mind was:

QUITISM - a pithy phrase or set of phrases used by someone who claims they are trying to quit a habit. Usually lame and reassuring.

"It's ok to have one of these chocolate biscuits because they're small. After I've had three I'll stop. Actually they were very small, weren't they, make that four."
"If I walk the long way to the kitchen from this dining table I can have extra ice-cream."
"It's bad for me to give up cigarettes all at once. I could die. Anyone got another pack?"
"I know shopping this much is bad for you. I have to buy some equipment to help me stop the cravings."
"I will stop tomorrow ... tomorrow is another day."
"I will give this up when all the people on this Earth have the right to free health care and transport ... umm because that's being principled as well as quitting."
"I have tried quitting many times but I quit quitting."

If junk food companies really cared about our health ...

I read an article in the paper today which was about how doctors had urged junk food companies to downsize the size of their portions, because larger portions contributed to obesity. If they didn't do so voluntarily, perhaps the govt should be forced to make them do so.

Some companies would do so, but then they would chop off ten percent of their chocolate bar and sell it to you for the same price as the original bar. Then customers felt ripped off. The manufacturers explained that ten percent reduction in price didn't really mean a reduction in cost to the manufacturer, which is why they don't change the price (The thing is, if it does mean the customers get pissed off and turn away, then it might be worth it to reduce the price just to keep the customers. Or you can have lots of choccie bars or no or smaller customer base).

Anyhow this is all very nice, junk food manufacturers caring for our health, but what would happen if they really cared for our health? I mean, like, what would they really do?

1. Warning labels on packaging

This huge Chocolate Bar will turn you into a giant socially unacceptable fatty boomsticks. If you are at all concerned about your health or your social status, drop this and go to the fruit and vege section. Have a nice day!

or more to the point;

I am made by a giant corporation that is headed by a big fat cat pocketing millions of dollars because of your ill-made decisions each time you buy these products. And the fat cat is laughing his ass off. Think again.

2. Exercise Regimes which burn off fat BEFORE you get to the chocolate bar!

Have the chocolate bar positioned on a shelf in the supermarket beneath treadmill. You aren't allowed to grab a chocolate bar unless you've done an hour of jogging. Is that clear?

3. Power-Testing Packaging

Plastic packaging on junk food so tight that you need to do muscle-building exercises at the gym just to get it off.

Actually, I think some companies have installed that idea already.

4. Specially repellent flavours

At one time every hated brussels sprouts, so perhaps brussels sprouts choccie is an idea. But really, what's so horrible about brussels sprouts? They're not too bad. I wouldn't mind a Brussels Sprouts Bar if there was one around. No, it's not repellent enough. You need to go a step or too further.

Chocolate bars that smell of farts
Dung flavoured chocolate bar (should be easy to make, they're both brown)
Boogie flavoured Bar
Cardboard flavoured Bar
Styrofoam flavoured Bar

After these have flooded the markets, it's a good chance people will go back to nice healthy Brussels Sprouts. The real thing, not the Bar.

5. I guess they could all just pack up shop, leave, or start selling fruit or seafood or jogging shoes or something but would that be too simple?

Are you ... no actually, I'm not?

One of my big problems with job ads is I take them very literally and I am too damn honest.

Honesty is supposed to be considered a good point with employers, that is, like don't steal from petty cash.

But you're not supposed to be too honest, like honest about what you really think about yourself, otherwise only the egomaniacs would have jobs out there, considering the way jobs are written.

Unfortuantely, I go through these weird dialogues in my head when I read job ads. Or maybe they should be called monologues because I am playing the job ad as well. (By the way my general lack of enthusiasm for writing job applications comes into play a lot here, I won't pretend that's not the case.)

Case #1

Do you have a PASSION FOR TAX and LAW ???

Ummm no. Who in their right mind does? Scratch that. Move on.

Case # 2

Good with numbers? Then ...

I think I found a number that didn't like me once. It was a thirty one. I said nice things to it and but it just didn't do anything I wanted. I don't know ...

Case # 3

Talented All-Rounder Wanted!

All around what?

Case #4

You must be a team player!

That reminds me of Mark who hated me on that fourth grade team, and the time I busted that group up at school, and how I didn't make the netball team, and fingerpainting in kindy when no one wanted me on their group because I wanted to do a red background, and how I prefer playing solitaire ...

I don't make the cut.

Case #5

Do you want to be part of our huge internationally respected firm?

(gulp) Actually I'd just like to know which firm it is, whether it's near a cheap sushi bar and a bus stop, whether the manager is a control freak or a nice persoon and whether there is a "free cookies" jar in the kitchen. Why are you hiding the important stuff? What is wrong with you. this is suspect. I don't care whether someone I don't know in Texas respects me. Why should I? Are you blabbering on about this irrelevant crap because you are hiding the fact that you supply those cheap black biros that never work to all your colleagues? I KNEW IT!!!!

Case #6

Must enjoy interacting with our large client base and working with colleagues!

Only if they aren't idiots, slackers, assholes, or arrogant bastards.

Case #7

Are you the FUN LOVING TYPE ???

I resent being called any type actually. Stop stereotyping me. It's demeaning. If I am fun-loving it's just because that's me not because I am a type. Don't insult me. Move on.

Case #8

If you're looking to build a career in law ...

I'm not looking to build a career in anything. I just want a job. Honestly, the thought of a career hasn't crossed my mind! One step at a time!

Case #9

Calling all PARRALEGALS!!!!!!!!!! Attention to Detail

Hahaha spelling mistake. Do they mean paralegals, or paralegals to work in Parramatta, or ... ho ho ho, I wouldn't work for such incompetents in a million years. maybe i should show them my attention to detail by sending them a copy of their ad with a big red circle around their "parralegals". Scratch them, move on.

Case #10

Are you flexible?

Let me see if I can still touch my toes. Damn!

Case #11

Cheerful, friendly graduates, we want you!

I haven't found a job yet. Not feeling too cheerful. Oh dear.


(Of course all this is just a really great procrastination technique, but it's never too early to begin procrastinating.)

The silence is frustrating me

I don’t mind sitting in a car, or in a room, when the other person doesn’t talk or doesn’t make conversation. Some people find this unnerving or awkward but often, especially with someone you know well, it can be quite comfortable and pleasant. My mother feels the need to fill every silence with words. I don’t.

But what is really frustrating the heck out of me is the lack of output from the computer. Computers should have to give output. Even if that output is “Sorry, I have nothing to say on this topic.” It should be a rule. Otherwise, how do you know whether they’re sitting in quiet philosophical contemplation or whether you should return them for a warranty, or use the Maria-method (a good swift kick)?

I’m starting a computer course now, part-time, which is two subjects, Principles of Programming and Database Systems. The second is far better, maybe because we haven’t got any assignments to do from it yet. The first one is very annoying. I try to write commands in the system. Some are really easy and that is fun, like when you type in a command to see the date and it prints out today’s date. On the other hand I already know what today’s date is. But it would be very helpful if I had sudden amnesia and my computer date in the corner of my screen went haywire but I did remember the command prompt for the date. And of course it makes me feel smart, like I can do something right. So I tested that about seventy times before doing anything else, just for my ego.

Then we got our assignment, had to be done in less than two weeks, gosh almighty I spent several days trying to decipher the assignment.

I have four programs to write for an entirety of ten marks. That seems a bit stupid to me, it’s my first time writing a program and I can hardly do anything besides write “date” in a command prompt. And I am going to have to get my head around writing programs, and if I do only one it will be for a lousy 2.5 marks!

They are all mathematical puzzles where you have to find solutions, that is you have to get the computer to find solutions. So I start to write one of the programs and I am barely writing the first bit when I decide to check it to see if it is ok (like running a spell check only on a program) and it spits out at me 34 errors!

I didn’t know I had written 34 things.

It’s a real shame because I thought it had looked very cute.

After a while I thought I was getting the hang of things so I decided to see if any results could be found for the first part of the first puzzle. Only the first part, thank you.

Nothing. Blank. Caput.

Now, I think this is unfair. I don’t know if the computer is saying “there are no answers” or “you wrote this all wrong” or “I am having a deep thinking session about this interesting, nay, amazing dilemma you put before me” or “Gimme some time while I make myself a cocoa” or “Sod off, I hate this puzzle, I’m going to sulk”.

Computers should have to explain what their silence means. It should be a rule.

Because I sat there glaring at the blank screen, but then I found out, that nobody can out-stare like a computer can. They really win in the out-staring match. I gave up. I ended up sulking and making myself a big glass of Ribena.

This is so uncool.

False Advertising #2

I went to the sales on Sunday and I saw signs saying "Giveaway Sale - $6.95!"

Are they giving the products away or are they $6.95? Please explain. I might have got some of their stuff for free, but clothes at that store for $6.95 is way too expensive.

A Nomination for Dumbass of the Year

I was walking in the city recently and I saw a blind woman, complete with Guide dog, asking a man for directions.

He pointed to his right and said, "It's over that way, see?"

"But I can't see!" she replied.

Mr Eggplant

On her blog recently, Lexicon posted this pic of an Amazing Aubergine. I just have to say, this country is often overwhelmed by the Big Veges. The Big Pineapple, the Big Apple, etc. But I was very impressed by another Amazing Eggplant which I found at the markets recently, and dubbed Mr Eggplant. Perhaps not the biggest eggplant but it's not the size that mattered here. It's what he ... errh ... special extras he had to show for himself.

Mr Eggplant either has a long snout or a rather Proud Protuberance of another sort. He's certainly not hiding it, and it's this sort of Aussie pride which we thought extremely amusing and just had to pay for. Mr Coffee and I kept Mr Eggplant alive for several days till he began to look a little withery, and then he had to be consumed. He stood in the kitchen, look at that stance, man, that posture, he knows his place and it's not at the bottom of the vege pile, that's for sure! I was the one who chopped the Protuberance off, eventually, when it finally gave in and looked a little too wilted to wait - it seemed Mr Coffee didn't want the responsibility. It seems to be a man thing.

But I let him eat the appendage.

He was a very tasty Mr Eggplant and I'll be talent scouting at the next market trip. I encourage all others to do so, we should encourage Attidude Aubergines in Australia, and this Mr Eggplant was one sassy Aubergine who held himself with Righteousness in our Kitchen. What a guy!

There's a Case for Every Case

I've seen the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

And I read the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

And I can see there's the Mysterious Case of the Allbright Academy by Diane Stanley.

So ...

now I want to know how many different kinds of "cases" there are.

What variety do they come in: Can I get Amazing Cases, Difficult cases, Interesting Cases, Gee Whiz bang Cases, Righteous Cases?

Competition: What really good "case" book or movie would you want to see?

Naturally, cases come in all varieties: there are murder cases, rape cases, the upper and lower cases, stair cases and brief cases. Some are heavy and some are light. Some are better constructed than others, and some are open & shut cases whereas some you need a virtual - or real - sledgehammer to crack.

What case would YOUR case be?

Things you didn't know your Mobile or PIN could do!

Perhaps you've received an email that has information like this or this claiming your mobile and PIN have secret powers.

Like, if you enter your PIN in backwards at an ATM the police will be dispatched to the ATM, so do this if a robber forces you to withdraw money. Or you can unlock your car via mobile phone.

(the links set you straight, you can't unlock your car via mobile and the ATM thing doesn't work. it would make it pretty weird for people with palindromic PINs if the one forwards was your regular PIN but the PIN backwards was a special one which alerted the police, because the police would get very confused. However it is somewhat rooted in fact because someone tried to introduce the concept and it got rejected by banks.)

There are also some other tricky things circulating by SPAM which tell you magical things your mobile can do, like have special codes to lock your mobile or find hidden reserves of battery.

ANYHOW.

ORANGE JUICE SNOBBERY is here to provide you with a service, to tell you some VERY SPECIAL powers your mobile has, especially in emergency situations.

none of this "dial #06# and find your special 15 digit authentication code for your handset stuff, who has the time for that anyway?

1. If you are ever forced by a robber to enter your PIN at an ATM and to withdraw money for them from your bank account, forget entering your PIN backwards or dialling emergency. THROW YOUR PHONE AT THEM. It works for Russell Crowe.
2. Your phone has magical powers to unlock your car door if you:
a) buy one of those natty key rings and attach it to your phone. You won't lose your keys so long as you have your phone as well then!
b) you have the NRMA number stored on your phone.
c) you have a very heavy phone and a good swing and don't mind a shattered window on the driver's side.
3. Your phone has magical powers to move crowds, and often ensure you are the first in line of any queue, so long as your taste in ringtones is as bad as mine. Try rap, or themes from TV cheesy TV shows in the 80s.
4. Your mobile phone has the magical power to begin ringing just when you have closed it up and stuffed it in a pocket in your bag behind some books and under a big woolly jumper and done up the zips. It has the capacity to stop ringing and flash "MISSED CALL" just when you have burrowed under all your stuff, thrown all of your accessories out of your bag and onto the pavement in public on a wet day and just grabbed it.

What the heck just happened to February?

Hang on there.

Slow down, month, you just moved a little too quick for me, wait up for me.

What happened?

I just blinked and what happened to February? In fact, what happened to 2009? It's one-sixth gone, almost, and I only just got an appointment diary (a freebie passed on to me secondhand and partially used but that's beside the point).

I can't believe it's almost done. I haven't even become a better person or learnt how to speak a new language or tidied my socks into paired rolls or any of the things I planned to do this year, or even started on them yet.

Has anyone had that feeling about this year yet, or is it just me?

I also haven't blogged much. I get these ideas for something to blog about, and then I can't blog at work and then by the time I get home I forget them which leaves me with ... nothing to blog about except that I've got a lousy memory. Then there is dinner to eat.

None of that explains where February went.

The Darker Side of Mary Poppins; or Tim Burton Presents Mary Poppins

I like to interpret dreams. I dream pretty vividly. Lately I've been dreaming quite a bit about Mary Poppins, and I've come to the conclusion that my dream means one thing: I've got a fantastic idea for a Tim Burton version of Mary Poppins, which would of course star Johnny Depp. What major Burton movie wouldn't?

I've been dreaming of some major new Poppins adventures, but they've been more ghoulish, more dark and more fantastic than ever. The colours would look great on Blu-Ray. I'm telling you. They are straight out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - bright colour contrasts with dark backgrounds. I'll leak some on to the Net, but if Burton would like to contact me for some more material, please post a comment wth a forwarding address. We can do business.

Firstly, lots of people will be familiar with the Poppins scene in the original movie where Poppins talks to erself in the mirror (and the mirror answers her back). My dreams not only had twin Poppins but multiplying Poppins - in fact I had a whole army of Poppins in a desert ready for lift off with their umbrellas, but dancing to a great song, in beautifully choreographed time.

I also had a wonderful idea for an EVIL TWIN Poppins who would have to be controlled by the real Poppins. Who would Bert rather have his way with, this time?

Poppins has several magical tricks up her sleeve this time, including some new fantasy places to visit by blowing soap bubbles and visiting the lands within them, and swinging from trees and eating enchanted fruit, and finding the curiosity in a hiccup.

In my version, I envisualise a cast including:

Freddie Highmore as Michael Banks
Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs Banks, the long suffering suffragette
and Johnny Depp as Mary Poppins (and all her multiple personalities)

It's about time Johnny followed every other Hollywood star and got himself into drag and did some dancing around and singing at the same time, and I'm sure Tim Burton will provide him with that excellent opportunity.

If Burton ever does a dark Mary Poppins, especially if Depp ever plays Poppins in drag, remember you saw the idea here first. I'll be particularly disappointed if I'm not credited and given my cut.

Taller people take home taller earnings

Here is a study saying, in essence, and in general, taller people earn higher wages (than shorter ones).

I found interesting the analysis, if you can call the little bit of Herald scribbling around the findings 'analysis'.

Taller people earn more, the theory went on, because of childhood. If you're taller it seems that you have probably had a healthier childhood and more healthy people are more likely to reach their full height potential as well as their cognitive potential.

Now, let's just pause a minute.

Firstly, I'm not saying this mightn't have something to do with it, but let's just look at some glaringly obvious things the article fails to mention altogether.

1. Some people are just naturally tall. Even if they were fed all the good brans and vegetables in the world, they wouldn't get to the 6 feet that some malnourished person would. In fact that goes for lots of people - they have their natural approximate adult height already set. I'm sorry, I don't think that the fact that I'm not 7 feet tall has anything to do with the fact that I didn't eat enough greens as a kid. A person can reach their full height potential, be 4 feet 6 inches and shorter than most of the population, and also have reached their full cognitive potential because they've grown up majorly healthy. In fact plenty of people are like that. Where do they fit in on this chart?

2. The possibility that it goes the other way round - tallness doesn't necessarily reflect brainpower which earns money. Many people are intimidated or impressed by tall people and these people use that power to gain higher status and jobs that earn more money, negotiate better in pay reviews, and so forth. Tallness can also be a symbol of beauty or power in our society which gains admiration from others, and allows these people to network better or leverage pay or position, or get away with folly. This was hinted at but not explicitly said when the article said that good teeth were a good thing to have as well as height!

3. The fact that 'full cognitive potential realised' doesn't always equal good pay. Some of the richest people around aren't exactly the brainiacs in case people haven't noticed. They usually are smart enough to lever what they have and make the most of it, but they aren't necessarily the most inventive, the most creative, the most profound, the most deep thinking, the most analytical, the most knowledgeable people around.

All this being said, if height and good teeth are the secret to good pay, I would say, if you have got them, why not flaunt them?

I have pretty ok teeth.

I hate high-heeled shoes (they make me shorter not taller as I end up falling flat on my face in them) but I am thinking of going to my next job interview in a par of stilts made from two tin cans and pieces of string.

Anyone remember those? That'll look so cool, I will most certainly get my tin can in the door on that job and the cash will all be mine.

Theory to be tested next time. I think.

A Hairy Question

Myself, I'm an armpit shaver (mostly).

Mr Coffee is not. Yessir, I've seen the evidence. In fact, Mr Coffee claims that he has never shaved or plucked his armpit hair his entire life.

I think to myself, "My Lord! His armpit hair should be streaming to the ground by now! He should be Rapunzel from the armpits! We should be weaving ropes from his armpits and asking him to raise him arms and let us swing from them to amuse young children!"

The truth of it, while unruly, his armpit hair isn't even the length of a standard ruler.

Hmmm Hmmm.

On the other hand, if you ask most shavers of their armpit hair, it's a daily dilemma. Shave often. If you don't, it grows back and quickly. It's bristling at around a centimetre long if you neglect it for a week, and then you have to chop it back! And then the next week, another centimetre!

Oh damnation! If hair grows that quickly, the person who doesn't shave should have 50cm growths in a year and should have metres in 10 years!

But they don't. Not that I've seen. Mr Coffee tells me "Oh, after a while it seems it just stops".

Well, I've thought about it and thought about it.

Thought One

Human beings have a set amount of armpit hair they can grow. After a while they've met their quota which accounts for armpit hair just stopping.

But this would mean that after a while shavers, after having cut off a whole lot of hair, just STOPPED having to cut because there was not any more to cut. Not my experience, so far. Maybe I haven't reached my quota yet.

Thought Two

Maybe armpit hair just knows it's getting too long and stops. It thinks "what, I'm 8cm long now? time to stop growing!" But if you lop it it keeps growing.

This seems to be the experience most congruent with the experiences of shavers and non-shavers.

That the hairs have little demon minds that every so often think "What, I got CUT! Dammit, I will grow more! Darn YOU! I'll show you who can make 8cm - will, I will!" And keep pushing their little determined ways past your skin and getting longer and longer each time, whispering encouragement to their friends to FIGHTBACK!

But if that's so, does that mean each of your hairs is a little organism with an independent mind of its own (because by golly, my brain didn't give out those orders, I'm telling you) - and am I amputating living thinking creatures each time I cut a hair - are beauty salons and hairdressers really in the business of amputation, torture and decapitation?

If anyone has any thoughts on this, would like to know.

Meanwhile, I'm going off to shave.

Book Q&A

I found this Q&A on the ABC'S First Tuesday Book Club website and I thought I'd post it, especially since it allows me to bag out film adaptations of books.

1. What are you reading?

The Beautiful and the Damned, by F. Scott Fitzgerald

2. What is the book that changed your life?

Many books changed my life; but my set of Childcraft Encyclopedias at home had a huge impact on what I was interested in when I was younger; both fiction and non-fiction. They had excerpts of stories so they encouraged me to look for other authors, and bits of facts and trivia. My first experience of M. C. Escher was in those books - bless them!

3. What is your most overrated book?

I've never read it, but I avoided The Da Vinci Code for ages because of the hype. I still have avoided it, but I have a copy at home.

4. What is the best film adaptation of a book you've seen?

Mary Poppins and Bridget Jones' Diary

I picked these two mainly because they didn't stick closely to the book but I thought they captured the essence of the book and made a wonderful story of it anyway.

I don't think movies have to stick slavishly to the book storyline, though sometimes it works well if they do. The important part is to carry the essence of the character or plot and theme, and satisfy the audience. The Mary Poppins books had a lot to them; I thought a good selection of scenes were chosen for the movie, and the set was delicious as well as the music and that Julie Andrews made a great Poppins. And the whole storyline with Mr Banks as the father seeing the light was nicely rounded into the movie.

In Bridget Jones, I actually felt the movie was easier to follow than the book - it had to cut out some of the bits and pieces from the diary and condense it into an easy storyline and did it well. And the cast was extremely memorable.

5. What is the worst film adaptation of a book you've seen?

Pollyanna
The Firm
The Robber Bride
Hating Alison Ashley

It's hard to pick a worst here.

OK, The Firm wasn't that bad. I just really hated the way that they changed the ending because the book's was so much better and this was a real cop out. It was stupid and I was left with my jaw hanging out, thinking WTF?

But Pollyanna, Hating Alison Ashley and The Robber Bride were terrible, which is a pity because they are all great books. I'll admit, I didn't even see the ending of Hating Alison Ashley because I hated it so much.

All three twisted the stories completely.

Hating Alison Ashley had the whole thing set in High School instead of primary school, and it lost the tone completely from the book. Delta Goodrem couldn't act and looked like a little poser starlet instead of being a really goodie goodie but somewhat sympathetic Alison Ashley. The added in sexual overtones didn't help the movie one bit - it was crass rather than clever.

Pollyanna added in a whole new story that was never in there in the first place and didn't add to the characterisation at all. Something about Miss Polly and her orphanage. In the end I wanted Miss Polly to win and tell the annoying townsfolk to get lost which was obviously not the intent of the movie.

And The Robber Bride - well, wasn't this supposed to be a story about a vamp seen through the eyes of three different people? Firstly, the woman who played Zenia wasn't very vampy or convincing as someone who could knock any man over or play any woman. Then the whole story involving the detective who told the story and then fell for her distracted the storyline and perspectives and moved it away from Atwood's original conception.

The detective was a pain in the ass too.

If you want to see a really good story involving a player vamp, told from 3 different perspectives, I suggest watching One Night at McCool's. Much better crafted than this version. Or just read the book of The Robber Bride.

6. What is your earliest memory of books?

Lying on the floor sorting through books that seemed bigger than me, then.

7. Where do you read?

Anywhere. Except not on the toilet. Public transport, on the couch, lying on the floor. I'm not very good at reading them in bed because I get drowsy too soon. I'm very guilty of reading at work.

8. How do you choose what you read?

If I like the author, I like to read their other work. Recommendations from friends. Book lists. An amusing title. An interesting back cover summary. A funny cover. A good review on Amazon.

9. What fictional character would you most like to be?

Mary Poppins or Emily the Strange

Someone is a Teapot; or How OJS is Influencing People all over Australia, and indeed, the World

Anyone who was a doubter, start undoubting yourself, starting now.

Anyone who believed it wouldn't happen. Anyone who ridiculed the proposition.

I wrote just about a month or so back about my wonderful idea for converting your loved ones into tableware . After they had died, that was. Ashes to ashes, ashes to porcelain, was my motto. Bone china, actually.

Dine off Aunty May, the delicate dinner plate? Sip out of Cousin Nettie, the Teacup? Take a sugar cube out of Uncle Herbert? What better way to enjoy a comfy Sunday afternoon? And I'm happy to report that I'm not the only one who think s this way.

I was travelling home this evening when I heard the Philip Clarke program on 2GB. I hasten to add that this was not my choice of radio station.

Mr Clarke was reading a TRUE STORY about how a man told him he'd always enjoyed a ritual with his Dad - Tea. yes, every week, teatime.

Then Dad died. He missed his Dad and teatime. It was important to him. He would bemoan "How can I have tea with my Dad again? There's a void in my life!"

Then, he explained, someone suggested how he COULD have tea with his Dad again. They got a potter who worked in clay to mix the ashes with the clay and make him a teapot.

"Now I have tea with my father again!"

Now, it mightn't be bone china, but there you go - that's Daddy the tea pot, and who's to say the whole family mightn't follow suit? Broadcast on 2GB it could easily become a craze, and coffin-makers could be replaced by potters.

Famous people could organise for their ashes to be made into fine china sets and auctioned off at amazingly high prices - only the best exotic herbals drunk out of them, thank you. None of this ordinary cheap teabag stuff.

I still think the person who is begging to be made into a mug is the President of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe. The guy has it written all over him.

To be a mug, or not to be a mug? Mugabe has pretty much told us the answer to that question.

Category Uncategorised

I have a "Miscellaneous Items" Folder. Yep Sirree, I do.

I've seen people put a "Miscellaneous" Label on their posts.

Then I saw a blog where someone went one step further and put an "Uncategorised" Label on a post.

I thought the point of labelling was to categorise.

Next step Label - "Unlabelled".

I want a Grab-the-toy-with-a-clamp Game Machine Power!

I once wrote a blog article asking which superpower people would have if they could choose one, like say psychic powers or flying or running really fast or shooting lasers or invisibility or something.

However I've thought of a new superpower I'd really want. I'd like to have the power to win at those grab a toy with a clamp game machines.

You know the ones. They are filled with fluffy toys, and you put money in the slot and have a turn. You either use a joystick or buttons to control a claw or clamp, and you get one chance to point it a certain way, then it will go and dive and reach out. If you have aimed well and the toys are positioned nicely it may pick up a toy for you and then drop it in a chute. If you haven't then you don't win anything.

Of course those games are nigh imposible usually because the toys are in a mess, the claw is inaccurate and you only get one chance to dive. And the claw is often really wide so even if it does pick something up it is liable to drop it before it reaches the chute.

Most likely it will dive and all it will do is toss around a few fluffy toys.

I think it's very frustrating. I tried a couple of those toy machines out. No deal! I still would have liked that devil Hello Kitty. Just for the heck of it, why not?

If I had a magic power, the claw would pick up a toy every single time it dived. Maybe it would pick up two. And it would drop them in the chute. I would have the largest collection of soft toys ever that way.

It is not entirely selfish. I would have an overflow so I would donate some to little kiddies in hospital. Maybe. When I have got bored with lining them all up in rows and photoing them and picking out my top 100 out of all the green teddies or whatever.

I spend nights thinking about that claw and wondering what I did wrong, why I missed, why the toy slipped. Someday the nightmare has to stop, and if I had the superpower maybe I could live a normal life. Someday.