FOUND: A sense of humour in Akerman

I have never credited Piers Akerman with any sense of humour whatsoever. A guy who spends all of the time before, during and after elections (is there any other time?) curling himself into a little ball of petulancy, hate, right wing flag-waving and self-righteousness usually doesn't have much time to laugh - at least not that I've noticed from his journalistic attempts.

But I was wrong.

I now award the honour of "Funniest Quote from an Article on the Australian Federal Election 2007" to Mr Piers Akerman.

Funnily enough, the quote was about an American Presidential candidate, but it was in an article about Kevin Rudd, so let's not get too fussy.

The quote: "... a new Western administration was Hilary Clinton when she became Fist Lady ..."

I'm waiting for other gems from Mr Akerman, like an article on Earwaxgate calling Mr Rudd "Picksy" and some jokes about Howard being the "Man of Steal". A YouTube of any of George W. Bush's speeches, with the caption "The Most Powerful Man in a Whirl".

And a signing off of his own articles as "Piss Akerman"

Which Super Power Would You Have? What Superhero are you

Superman can fly and he has mastered the art of wearing his undies outside his tights. Batman has killer bat things to throw and he has a Batmobile. Spiderman can scale walls and throw webs.

What kind of Super Power would you most like you have?

I watched a movie on the weekend called Mystery Men where all the powers of the superheroes were as follows:

There was a guy who was an expert at throwing cutlery - mainly forks
A good Shoveler (basically a good fencer - with a shovel)
Mr Furious - who got really strong and good at fighting when he got angry - which he did a lot
The Bowler, who had a great bowling ball and could bowl really well
The Invisible Boy, who could become Invisible only when no one was looking
The Spleen - who could fart so badly that everyone got knocked out by his farts
The Sphinx, who could cut guns in half with his mind - but whose main role seemed to be in coming out with mysterious sounding, Mr Myagi-like cliches "You must master your rage, or your rage will master you"

Which got me thinking about superpowers I'd like to have ... and Which Superhero Would I be ... if I were a superhero ...

I watched the Incredibles once and I thought I would like to be like Elastigirl. To be able to bend and stretch like a piece of chewing gum! Yeeha!

Then I watched the X-Men and I wouldn't have minded being like Mystique, and be able to imitate anyone, except Mystique is a baddie so bound to end up in a soup someday even if having the coolest power ever.

But if I were described as a Superhero of any kind, I think I would be called the Double-Check-Fanatic. My definite specialty, the skill I have honed over years, is an anality about switching things off and doublechecking contents of handbags and where things are.

I am the only person I know who needs to check four times in a row in three minutes if the heater in a room is REALLY off. I leave every room going "Keys - mobile - wallet - tissues - peppermints - shopping list from three months ago - four used CityRail tickets - check!" Then I have to do that process again from the beginning.

There must be somewhere in the world for this kind of power but I haven't found it yet.

The law of the courtroom says, never ever admit it was you

Now, I was told the law would be exciting and fun when I was younger, and then I did several years of law school (more than several) and I found that I was misled.

I mean, who really thinks real life is like those shows Law and Order or Judge Judy?

It's nice to find a judge keeping the tradition of sensational and stupid court alive although, as they say, only in America.

Jailing 46 people because one wouldn't admit "My phone rang!" in that judge's court. And then the judge said later they were under stress in his personal life.

Uh, would that stand up ... in court?

This judge really needs to get a job as a primary school teacher when that kind of discipline is condoned - the "I'll keep you all in if no one admits to putting bubblegum on my seat" rule.

The judge really should've kept the people in to write out one hundred times "I will not leave my phone on in court" - or maybe SMS it.

I was given a lovely long speech about my duties and the standards of my profession recently. I can't wait!

Burdens

Oh yes, you only have to see him as Opposition Leader.

I have to put up with him as my local member.

Election '07: Dance Dance Dance!

Vote the Bastards in,
Vote the Bastards out,
Vote the Bastards in,
And shake them all about,
Do the votey-votey
And turn it around
That's what it's all about!

Election '07: New Leadership, Fresh Ideas

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...

Working Families ...!

It is somewhat poetic.

And as a poet would point out, poetic rhymes somewhat with pathetic.

Election '07: Campaigns I'd like to see

1. The Single Pensioners Campaign

Government: This election, I announce, a package for all single pensioners! $100 billion will be spilled into the wallets of valuable Australians who are stand proud - in the queue at Centrelink. And all the better if they don't raise squalling kids who unnecessarily put a burden on day-care centres. These citizens - a role model for abstinence, contraception, seniority and/or bludging, must be accorded the highest respect.

Opposition: We'll do that too ... but ... We're also giving a laptop to all over 75s and quadriplegics.

Government: Damn! We'll give a bonus to all singles - $600 for each baby you don't have - hang on ... how will that ....

Opposition: Gotcha!

2. Woo a Hobo Campaign

Every year we get the same tired play with kids in the school campaign, greet people in your electorate, maybe look a bit amused at a funny dog campaign. And smile, smile smile. Get photed with lots of hardworking Aussie families.

I would love to take Mr Howard or Mr Rudd on a walk in the city and video it, and keep a count on how many hobos they ignore, how many they don't give money to, and how many they toss a few coins at in utter disdain while they eager chat up someone who looks like a "true-blue-Aussie-battler" with a baby.

If only there could be a "woo a hobo campaign" where the leaders went about trying to talk to hobos about how they got on the streets, and what kind of ongoing care might help them, and tried to show a bit of empathy, and actually listened to some of their ideas.

Unfortunately this one might be a bit farfetched as hobos aren't as cute as blubbering kids and most pollies don't put them in the totally reliable at the polling booth category. not even at turning up, let alone how they vote. And tax cuts and low interest mortgages tend not to give them their jollies; nor are they interested in the Kyoto Protocol the same way other Aussies are.

Somehow a bit of government housing and a bowl of soup might help but neither Mr Howard nor Mr Rudd seems to think of it that way - oh, and what electorate are they in, anyhow?

3. The "Environment before Economy" Campaign

Government: This year, we could give you a whole heap of tax cuts, but we aren't. Instead we're spending heaps of your hard earned on cash on solar energy and we're raising taxes. And we're not cutting down more forests, which will mean a lot of people will lose jobs and money. However, Australia will be a better place because we'll have nicer air, better trees and fewer carbon emissions and I know you all will agree that making sacrifices is ...

Hey, rotten egg throwing is bad for the environment!

4. The Homosexual Kiss Campaign

Both Rudd and Howard decide to spice things up with a homosexual smooch at a campaign launch.

OK, maybe I don't want to see that one.

Killthemallnow

A former student has been charged for threatening students via a YouTube posting with the name Killthemallnow.

Kill The Mall Now?

A serious threat to all large shopping precincts.

The Plastic Cup Offensive

There's a debate brewing about beer in Sydney. Plastic or Glass Cups? After a series of glassings some wretched victims and enraged members of the public have been calling for pubs to use little plastic cups instead of glasses to serve beer.

Even if a plastic cup doesn't look nearly as flash as a glass schooner.

Well, high time, I say. Get rid of those glasses and bring in those plastic cups! And to the caterwauls of those beer drinkers who say it "doesn't feel nearly as nice as a beer in a glass" and it's "not quite the same" when you get served a piddling little plastic cup as opposed to a big glass schooner with the beer frothing over it, juuuuuust right - I say -

GROW UP - and think about what we Orange Juice Snobs have been through for years!

Non alcohol drinkers have suffered at the hands of publicans for too long, and it's high time the tables were turned, I say. Every time you go out with your alcohol imbibing friends, the beer imbibers get a large schooner with froth edging out of it, artfully done like it were in an ad, and your wine drinkers get shown a label, allowed to sniff, to taste, to spit even, and allowed to jump up and screech and send it back to the kitchen if they wish!

If not, it's poured into an elegant tulip bulb shaped glassy thing.

They're presented with a "Wine list". A red? There's an abundance of reds, m'dear ...

A non-alcohol drinker?

"Soft drink? We got Coke ..." they mumble. They plonk a can in front of you - often no glass, no ice, and if you're lucky, perhaps a straw.

Perhaps a juice. "What juices do you have, please?" you inquire, as restaurants never seem to provide a separate "Juice List" in a lovely little folder.

"What kinds?" ponders the waiter, as if the thought never occurred to him. "I guess there might be ... apple?"

You give up on their poor selection, and order the apple, and find out that their version of apple was actually tomato juice. That was all they had, sorry. And your alcohol imbibing friends snigger as they sip their perfected to order cabernet sauvignons, and turn their noses up at your "red".

Enough with this Juice Humiliation, as we are ground into the tiles of a restaurant floor by the alcohol imbibing elite! Let the Revolution Begin! Plastic cups in pubs shall just be the beginning ... but it shall be a good beginning!

My Kind O' Pencil

If there was ever an enticement for nibbling the end of a pencil, this is it.



THE ULTIMATE IN ORANGE JUICE SNOB DESK ACCESSORIES!!!

The Orange Juice Cocktail Pencil!!!

Featuring a rather saucy, and alluring, candy striped , purple-orange-red-and-yellow slim-line body, and topped off with a ripe orange slice, perfectly positioned at a nibble-abble tilt, this pencil is a must-have for orange-juice snobs everywhere. It's nibbly. It's juicy. It's chewy. And it doesn't get worms or go off aafter four days sitting in your pencil jar.

Not only does it mark you out as an orange-juice snob the world over, but it comes with all your standard pencil features. Made of wood, and sharpenable this pencil can:

Sketch
Draw
Scribble
Write
Take Notes
Cartoon
Edit
Graffiti

This remarkable multi-purpose instrument is a limited edition issue. Buy yours and be part of the fruity future!

Ho, Ho, Ho, Halloween!

Despite there being no tradition of Halloween in Australia, you can't blame a few kids getting it into their heads that donning a witch's hat, a ghoul's mask or some such, and dashing about with a plastic bag screeching "Trick or Treat!" mightn't be such a bad idea tonight, if there's even just one apple and a tic tac to be made out of the venture. After all, Halloween's not an Aussie tradition, but begging and opportunism is well ingrained in the Aussie psyche.

So I wasn't surprised to find a ghoul, a goblin, a witch and some other creature - not quite sure what - turned up at Maria's doorstep with not-too-threatening giggles and a very Halloweenish chant of "Nice house you've got here!"

Y'see, the Aussie version of trick or treat seems to have been adapted to suit our culture even more - instead of threatening, suck up amazingly and it'll get you further.

Impressed I was; unfortunately, I wasn't prepared. Last year two boys in zomblie clothing had turned up and I gave them muesli bars and eucalyptus lollies.

This time I was lucky enough to dig up a nutri-grain bar (at least it's got a choc-topping) and a Cherry Ripe Bar for each of the kids. I thought I'd better come up with something sweet, because they were being chaperoned by a taller witch who, while she didn't beg for sweeties, might have not been so pleasant and calm had I not given her underlings sugarcoated treats.

I hope it were enough. If I never blog again, you'll know I've been mutated into something that can't blog.

Books, glorious books!

I don't know where it was first coined, but I first saw the word "biblioholism" in the book Biblioholism (whaddya know?) by Tom Raabe, describing the addiction of buying books. And of reading books. Hmm, that sounds like me, I thought at the time. Except I was a bit put off buying too many books at the time because I hadn't that much money and a big percentage of it had been locked down in my Commonwealth Bank Dollarmite account.

But I could well attest to many of the sensations and habits described by the author.

The feeling of headiness when you walked out of a bookstore laden with books?

The sneaking of books into class and reading them under the table?

The feeling of discomfort when you're caught on a train, in a restaurant, in a doctor's waiting room WITHOUT A BOOK? (nightmare nightmare nightmare)

So when I met Mr Coffee one of the most attractive things about this gorgeous figure apart from that sweet candystriped shirt and the fact he insists on wearing one green contact lens and one purple contact lens out to parties, was that he's afflicted with the same addiction.

We both can relate to it, which is great because we don't judge each other and we're perfectly understanding, and it's bad because we don't try to help each other, instead we feed each other's habit to buy lots and lots of books.

On the other hand, what's wrong with lots and lots of books?

Except for the fact that my bookshelves are showing a distinct curve where they aren't bearing the weight so well, it's all good.

We've been compiling lists of books we haven't had time to read because we're too busy buying more, and the list is rather long.

No matter, I say. Look, there's a 35% off sale! Can't miss out on that!

Besides, who'd want all your books READ?

Then you'd have to go out and buy more if you wanted to read! It's essential to have a large number of unread books on the shelf. Makes plenty of sense!

I'm planning my next romp on Borders for Thursday. Just for them to be warned.

Railing against CityRail

Now as a non-driver I've always relied on public transport and walking, much to my detriment.

My feet show huge sores that are mocked by car-drivers, and I have been psychologically scarred by exposure to inane meaningless mobile chatter while aboard rail.

Some people have asked me about my refusal to drive a fuel-chugging car. Is it environmental responsibility? The more cynical suggest it may be lack of money and me wanting to imbibe lots of alcohol on late nights out.

In fact it is none of these . It is sheer laziness and incompetence. I can't drive.

Oh and a bit of fear. Who knows what might mappen when you hit the accelerator? Doesn't that mean the car moves fast and then anything could happen couldn't it gosh you could die or worse still you could crash Mum's car and hit the neighbour's cat and never hear the end of it.

These kinds of fears keep me from ever testing the wheel.

So I ride the rail and the buses and let others take my life into their hands. At least they can have it out with Mrs Harris if they run over Mitzy and that is a load off my mind already.

Anyway this dependence on public transport means I am alert to the price of tickets, constantly.

Fares have gone up recently which is disgusting and outrageous stuff.

I am very much in favour of the low-cost ticket, or in fact free public transport.

I think there are many good arguments for this.

Actually there always are if you can get something out of it, however I believe this is a special case. For instance, we already pay taxes, unless your name is Jamie Packer and I think he owns his own private rail system so he doesn't count. So having very high tickets is unnecessary unless you're an incompetent and foolish government.

Oh well they've always got an excuse.

Also, the CityRail experience is not exactly a thing of beauty and a joy forever. In fact it is not even the basic standard I would expect from a Government.

The trains are always late and there is no government-supplied entertainment in the bleak waiting periods. John Watkins really ought to be strapped to a train and see what happens to him. It probably doesn't leave the depot, it stays there because that week was scheduled for trackwork and buses replaced trains "allow 30 minutes extra for travel time please".

After trackwork everything looks worse than when the trackwork started.

The voices which announce train timetables have irritating lilts.

The graffiti in CityRail is unoriginal and unamusing. I have read "Rave naked near a blue light" too many times now.

Train seats are not wide enough to accommodate Australia's obesity problem. Too many times I have got into a train to see a large person plonk down on a threeseater and take up most of the seat, and watch their flab expand over into the aisle. Then they chomp at a chocolate.

It is at the times when I watch this that I think about whether I ought to risk running over Mitzy.

P.S. I have been railing against the trains for awhile, but the writing of this post was prompted by a terrific post by TimT at Fastest Underwear in the West

"The Used Ink Tank is Almost Full"

Message from my printer.

Phew. And I was starting to get worried about all this artificial intelligence hype.

The Biggest Number in the World

Column Eight (Sydney Morning Herald) mused a bit about what's the biggest number in the world. "There's no biggest number" said one reader ...

because you can always think of a big number, then double it.

And give it a new name. Like googolplexplex or something.

Column Eight suggest "Frank" to be one more than the largest number you can come up with; someone else suggested a "maximillion".

I suggest a "Jones". You can never quite keep up with the Joneses.

P.S. The Mathemagician and Milo were discussing this in The Phantom Tollbooth years before I came across it in Column Eight. The smallest number too - thinkof the smallest number you can think of - then halve it.