Saturday, 9 December 2006

Orange Juice Snobbery

‘Tis a sad world indeed. Each time I go out (on the rare occasions I do) I am subjected to an excruciatingly lengthy wine list, with, as an after thought, and sometimes not even then, a toss-away, a throw-away line “soft-drinks and juices available”. I tell you, as a non-wine-drinker, I stand up for my drink of choice. I matter.

Why should only alcohol imbibers have the fun of being able to turn up their noses in insufferable arrogance to the world and be shown bottles before they deign to order a drink at a restaurant? Why should only wine drinkers be able to be able to have a little wine be poured for them into a fluted glass and swirl it about in their mouths and talk about it having "good structure" or actually demand to taste 50 wines, make themselves quite tiddly, but refuse to order any of them and actually not pay for a bottle (a trick if I ever knew one)? Do you think I don’t know which juice to order with the pumpkin risotto and which to order with the grilled fish and what goes better with a roast lamb (depending on if it’s rare or well done)?

Blindfolded, a good Juice expert can tell a Dewlands from a Berri from a Just Juice and would be revolted if any of that Home Brand nonsense was served up at their table. They can tell instantly whether you’ve actually added water to dilute it and make the juice go further – or whether that’s just a melted ice cube.

An Orange Juice Snob can tell a Freshly Squeezed from one with even a few Artificial Colours and Flavourings simply by a sniff. And what percentage Artificial Sweetener. The difference between 5% and 6% and 7% can all be detected within a nanosecond. And which valley the orange orchard comes from – no two orange orchards taste alike. It pains me when a delicious entrée is killed off by the wrong orange juice, really it does.

I have been to restaurants and seen a person order the fish and is about to partake of their orange juice. I know it will not bring out the flavour of their fish, and my Orange Juice Snobbery comes to the fore. I find it my Civic Duty to rush over to their table – sometimes knocking over waitstaff (a disgusting word, but we'll get to that later), but it’s all in a good cause – to shriek “STOP, Oh don’t DO this terrible thing to yourself!” and instruct them on the basics of orange juice drinking, and order for them the correct juice. Some tell me I should leave well enough alone, and if people order what they enjoy, I should let them enjoy their own choice.

But I am inflexible. I know, as an Orange Juice Snob, I would not enjoy the meal, and therefore, it is unthinkable that others could enjoy the meal too. Invasion of space and bumps and bruises that ensue or not, I know I have brought one more small light to the dark world of ignorance, and that pleases me. I’ll keep on informing people of what ought to be their choices, based on my superior knowledge.

Wherever I go, I am armed with my Go Green bag filled with Orange Juice samples and pamphlets of Orange Juice Suggestions – a good way to impart my knowledge on others, and a good excuse to take swigs almost anywhere and anytime in the guise of educating others. I write all off as a tax deduction, of course. It’s now a full time job.

Orange Juice Snobbery Rules!


sintheuk said...

I really must question your OJ snobbery bona fides... The clear issue in OJ snob-dom is pulp.

As one who is decidedly of the "non-pulp" camp, and derides the use of "grass" such an issue is of paramount importance.

And don't get me started on the apple juices in certain countries...

Maria said...

Welcome aboard, fellow Juice Snob Comrade!

Actually, a bit of an apple juice stoush would enliven me no end.

It's the durian juice that really gets to me.

To pulp, or not pulp, that is your question?

A true orange juice snob knows that while pulp is an identifying mark of a juice, 'tis not its 'clearest issue' - in fact pulpiness makes an OJ decidedly 'unclear'.