Saturday, 23 December 2006

The Story Of An Organic Turkey

This Christmas I will be eating an organic turkey. This is a new experience for me. I usually have the regular turkey, the plain turkey. I wonder whether it will be an emotionally uplifting experience.

We didn't buy an organic turkey for altruistic reasons, mainly there weren't any other turkeys left that didn't weigh the size of a small vehicle and since we had to transport the turkey home in a small vehicle, this did make them a tad inconvenient.

So we went for Mr Organic Turkey.

He's sitting in the freezer ready to be trussed up. Hello. Every so often, I go and have a peek.

"Hello, Mr Organic Turkey. How do you feel in there?"

"It's OK, I guess. I'm getting used to the cold, even in summer. I wish global warming would have hurried up."

"I'm afraid you mightn't see that, you see, we're planning on eating you in a couple of days. But we'll be sticking you in a warm oven before we do."

"How considerate of you."

"Being organic hasn't stopped you being sarcastic, has it?"

"I had to go for years without antibiotics to deal with anything, lady. Do you know how that feels? I've got a right to feel just a little peeved right now."

"Hmmm ... I thought organic food was supposed to be better and happier and more natural. I thought you'd be one pleasant pheasant, you know?"

"When you know you're going to end up tied up on a plate and you don't get a little something to calm your nerves, what do you think? I'm not that kinky! When you see those other turkeys who get the growth hormones looking plump and proud and you're the runty looking one, how would that make you feel ...? Do you know what I go through? Can you feel?"

"Oh dear."

"Do you know what it feels like to be passed over by more than 90% of consumers because you're a bit too expensive and runty and a bit funny looking where the beautiful airbrush-looking, straight out of Vogue Turkey types get plucked off the shelves before you can say "Jingle Bells"? Do you know what it feels like to hear shoppers ask for a 'normal, not organic' turkey? Do you know what that feels like? Do you? It makes you feel like a pariah! An outcast!" *wild strangled cries*

"Uh .... mmmm. There there. If it's anything to you, you look beautiful to me. Good enough to eat. Really."

"Thanks." *still sobs* "I guess it's just a phase. Self-esteem. Image problem. You know."

"Don't worry, you'll be over it soon!" *thinks: damn!*

"Being organic isn't so bad," said my turkey through his tears. "It's just like everyone else, we need to feel loved and appreciated too."


TimT said...

Talk to it some more, if it cries, the salt will be good for the skin, make it like crackling!

Anonymous said...

Maria, have followed your comments, quirky and the like, from SATC to here :) Just wanted to let you know, you have a fan, and more readers than you think ;)

Had your had yourself a merry christmas and stuffed yourself with organic turkey :)

Eileen Dover said...

Haha, ditto with anon. :)

I look forward to more of your writing.

Maria said...

Ahhh, anonymous, eileen dover, those are some of the sweetest things anyone's ever said to me. I feel like sobbing now, just like a turkey.