Election '07: Campaigns I'd like to see

1. The Single Pensioners Campaign

Government: This election, I announce, a package for all single pensioners! $100 billion will be spilled into the wallets of valuable Australians who are stand proud - in the queue at Centrelink. And all the better if they don't raise squalling kids who unnecessarily put a burden on day-care centres. These citizens - a role model for abstinence, contraception, seniority and/or bludging, must be accorded the highest respect.

Opposition: We'll do that too ... but ... We're also giving a laptop to all over 75s and quadriplegics.

Government: Damn! We'll give a bonus to all singles - $600 for each baby you don't have - hang on ... how will that ....

Opposition: Gotcha!

2. Woo a Hobo Campaign

Every year we get the same tired play with kids in the school campaign, greet people in your electorate, maybe look a bit amused at a funny dog campaign. And smile, smile smile. Get photed with lots of hardworking Aussie families.

I would love to take Mr Howard or Mr Rudd on a walk in the city and video it, and keep a count on how many hobos they ignore, how many they don't give money to, and how many they toss a few coins at in utter disdain while they eager chat up someone who looks like a "true-blue-Aussie-battler" with a baby.

If only there could be a "woo a hobo campaign" where the leaders went about trying to talk to hobos about how they got on the streets, and what kind of ongoing care might help them, and tried to show a bit of empathy, and actually listened to some of their ideas.

Unfortunately this one might be a bit farfetched as hobos aren't as cute as blubbering kids and most pollies don't put them in the totally reliable at the polling booth category. not even at turning up, let alone how they vote. And tax cuts and low interest mortgages tend not to give them their jollies; nor are they interested in the Kyoto Protocol the same way other Aussies are.

Somehow a bit of government housing and a bowl of soup might help but neither Mr Howard nor Mr Rudd seems to think of it that way - oh, and what electorate are they in, anyhow?

3. The "Environment before Economy" Campaign

Government: This year, we could give you a whole heap of tax cuts, but we aren't. Instead we're spending heaps of your hard earned on cash on solar energy and we're raising taxes. And we're not cutting down more forests, which will mean a lot of people will lose jobs and money. However, Australia will be a better place because we'll have nicer air, better trees and fewer carbon emissions and I know you all will agree that making sacrifices is ...

Hey, rotten egg throwing is bad for the environment!

4. The Homosexual Kiss Campaign

Both Rudd and Howard decide to spice things up with a homosexual smooch at a campaign launch.

OK, maybe I don't want to see that one.