Wednesday, 10 January 2007

A Bed To Bonk In

Someone commented to me recently, "You know, there are two things that you do in bed - sleep and have sex."

Obviously this person wasn't privy to the underworld of souls who have fondue-eating parties, clip their toenails, solve world poverty, knit booties and hold champion chess tournaments between the sheets, but I let the inaccuracy pass.

"However," he continued, "I've never seen an ad for a bed telling you how good it is for having sex in."

'Tis true, bed advertisements tend to blather about the cost-effectiveness of the pice of boudoir equipment and tell you you'll get a lovely snooze - no doubt important - but what ever happened to the romp?

I suppose you simply have to call over the salesperson, "My husband and I are into athleticism, three times a week, will this bed support it?"

What would the ideal bed to bonk in include? A condom dispenser? Certainly no squeaky mattresses. King-size, naturally, or are there certain people who like the idea of two bodies squashed into a little single (or perhaps their idea iof sex is flying solo?). Silk sheets - an arousing bright red or the more subtle shades of silken cream, or violent black? Four poster? Canopy? And is there anyone who favours waterbeds?

What about ambience - I've got an idea for a bed to bonk in that'd have about 1000 songs stored into its memory, a push-button system, easily accessible, or has someone got technology for a bed that's access your mood and play some appropriate tunes (and start a fanfare at orgasm?).

Gosh, I'm sweating already. If this is the bed, what will the ads for it be like? I'm picturing crowds on opening night at David Jones, Level 5. Manchester, Lingerie and Small Electrical - open demonstrations. Top Models at low prices ...


Malnurtured Snay said...

Dammit. I'd just masturbated and now I'm horny again. My bed is boring, but big. I guess that's something.

Eileen Dover said...

Perhaps the bed could detect what music to play based upon the RPM's of the sexual activity?

Maria said...

eileen dover, not just rpms but other technicalities. Who was it who told me "I Touch Myself" was logged in to their music file for urges similar to malnurtured snay's?

Apache said...

In Japan you find so called 'love hotels' where the room, unlike your traditional functional hotel room, comes equipped for a romantic liason: room and bed draped in soft colours, bowl of condoms, kimonos laid out and yes, seductive music playing as you enter the room and throughout your duration there (it can be turned off of course). Yes, it's the room itself rather than just the bed but methinks you would approve!