Monday, 25 February 2008

The Bird Feeder

I got this bit of spam:

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere.

Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.

I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.

I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now lets see....... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English: Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Hmmm, I thought.

I liked birds, so I bought a bird feeder. Which was the only reason you'd buy a birdfeeder in the first place. I put it in the backyard and put in birdseed. Birds came a long squawking and they pooped too! Just like the parable.

So I took away the birdfeeder.

Then I would sit in my backyard and dammit!

I couldn't do any birdwatching any more, even though it was pretty serene and peaceful it was also DAMN BORING. Back to square one. I figured I actually preferred it when the birds were pooping and squawking. It's like saying to a dog lover, would you prefer no dog at all, or would you prefer a dog who mooches around, poops on the floor, and expects unconditional love and a rub on the tummy and free dog food for no pay? They'd take the dog.

Also, I found out everyone else got this spam and there were no bird feeders around. So all the birds were going into the wild.

Then they got killed off by the bigger animals because they didn't have safe places to eat birdseed.

Hmmm hmmm. Still our gardens were very peaceful. And boring.

Then I thought a bit more and figured out - spam parables suck and don't explain real life properly!

I have an inbox. I put it out for free. I put out my email address for free.

But within a short time, all these ... emails take advantage of it and poop spam in my inbox.

Then they get very mean and start sending crap like penis enlargement programs and credit card scams and pyramid schemes. They bomb me with the stuff even though I had been very kind and given out my email address for free and set up my account out of my own time.

Then the hijackers and woems and viruses come out of nowhere.

Suddenly it costs heaps for anti-virus programs and you spend all day getting rid of 800 pieces of junk to read one email from your friend. And hackers are demanding more rights and liberties and getting them than we ordinary one mail a dayers.

Maybe it's time I took done the birdfeeder. I mean email account.

After that I didn't get any stupid parables about bird feeders or karma or blondes or how to keep your car like your relationship.

I liked the birds. I could do without the bird spam.


TimT said...

Considering the amount of arguments my dad got into in long car trips, maybe the advice we need is not how to keep a car like a relationship, but how to keep a relationship in a car.

Xenophobic spam is crap, but it reminded me of this charming Alfred Hitchcock parody, for which I have only one criticism: it's too. freaking. SHORT! They could have gone on and on with that idea, it's just so full of comic potential.

Maria said...

I loved the parody, TimT. I recently read Daphne Du Maurier's "The Birds" to see where Hitchcock's inspiration was from - very interesting too.

How about you set up a camera and show us your fine extended TimT parody version?

TimT said...

*Rubs hands together* We could have a scene where the working class come down the chimney, and another scene where the working class attack a person in a phone box, and another scene where the working class attack school children in the park (etc, etc). I love the scene, though, where the working class slam into a glass window - that's real (working) classy.

Maria said...

If that person were a staunch member of the Liberal Party, that person could very well deserve it.

A big finale of the TV series should have a huge union of working class swooping down on a Liberal Party election campaign speech, screeching and attacking in a bid to stay alive.