Monday, 10 August 2009

Are you ... no actually, I'm not?

One of my big problems with job ads is I take them very literally and I am too damn honest.

Honesty is supposed to be considered a good point with employers, that is, like don't steal from petty cash.

But you're not supposed to be too honest, like honest about what you really think about yourself, otherwise only the egomaniacs would have jobs out there, considering the way jobs are written.

Unfortuantely, I go through these weird dialogues in my head when I read job ads. Or maybe they should be called monologues because I am playing the job ad as well. (By the way my general lack of enthusiasm for writing job applications comes into play a lot here, I won't pretend that's not the case.)

Case #1

Do you have a PASSION FOR TAX and LAW ???

Ummm no. Who in their right mind does? Scratch that. Move on.

Case # 2

Good with numbers? Then ...

I think I found a number that didn't like me once. It was a thirty one. I said nice things to it and but it just didn't do anything I wanted. I don't know ...

Case # 3

Talented All-Rounder Wanted!

All around what?

Case #4

You must be a team player!

That reminds me of Mark who hated me on that fourth grade team, and the time I busted that group up at school, and how I didn't make the netball team, and fingerpainting in kindy when no one wanted me on their group because I wanted to do a red background, and how I prefer playing solitaire ...

I don't make the cut.

Case #5

Do you want to be part of our huge internationally respected firm?

(gulp) Actually I'd just like to know which firm it is, whether it's near a cheap sushi bar and a bus stop, whether the manager is a control freak or a nice persoon and whether there is a "free cookies" jar in the kitchen. Why are you hiding the important stuff? What is wrong with you. this is suspect. I don't care whether someone I don't know in Texas respects me. Why should I? Are you blabbering on about this irrelevant crap because you are hiding the fact that you supply those cheap black biros that never work to all your colleagues? I KNEW IT!!!!

Case #6

Must enjoy interacting with our large client base and working with colleagues!

Only if they aren't idiots, slackers, assholes, or arrogant bastards.

Case #7

Are you the FUN LOVING TYPE ???

I resent being called any type actually. Stop stereotyping me. It's demeaning. If I am fun-loving it's just because that's me not because I am a type. Don't insult me. Move on.

Case #8

If you're looking to build a career in law ...

I'm not looking to build a career in anything. I just want a job. Honestly, the thought of a career hasn't crossed my mind! One step at a time!

Case #9

Calling all PARRALEGALS!!!!!!!!!! Attention to Detail

Hahaha spelling mistake. Do they mean paralegals, or paralegals to work in Parramatta, or ... ho ho ho, I wouldn't work for such incompetents in a million years. maybe i should show them my attention to detail by sending them a copy of their ad with a big red circle around their "parralegals". Scratch them, move on.

Case #10

Are you flexible?

Let me see if I can still touch my toes. Damn!

Case #11

Cheerful, friendly graduates, we want you!

I haven't found a job yet. Not feeling too cheerful. Oh dear.

(Of course all this is just a really great procrastination technique, but it's never too early to begin procrastinating.)


James Drax said...

I often think similar thoughts towards these self-indulgent job ads.

Maria said...

This is another one they write ... "Are you a PATENT LAW CLERK?" or "patent legal secretary".

I tend to reply in my head, "I'm patently a law clerk, if that counts!"

Maria said...

I wonder why people are so concerned whether you are passionate about your job so long as you do it competently?

Or if you do it competently, smile through it, behave well but they find out ten years later they were RIPPED OFF and you were faking they will get really mad?

You know ... like a fake orgasm ... "Oh honey employee, but I thought you really loved this company, how could you have your heart somewhere else, this is disgusting, you have emotionally cheated on us, you mean really you didn't like corporate law and wanted to be a sailor ... despite the fact that you have brought us in millioins of dollars worth of clients and worked overtime I think the relationship has to be over now. It's no longer working out. I can't work with a fake ... you just don't do it for me any more."

But how can an employer tell the difference between real passion and fake passion?

I guess when he sees the employee cheating on him on weekends, going out and sailing instead of reading corporate law texts in his spare time.