Sunday, 16 August 2009

If junk food companies really cared about our health ...

I read an article in the paper today which was about how doctors had urged junk food companies to downsize the size of their portions, because larger portions contributed to obesity. If they didn't do so voluntarily, perhaps the govt should be forced to make them do so.

Some companies would do so, but then they would chop off ten percent of their chocolate bar and sell it to you for the same price as the original bar. Then customers felt ripped off. The manufacturers explained that ten percent reduction in price didn't really mean a reduction in cost to the manufacturer, which is why they don't change the price (The thing is, if it does mean the customers get pissed off and turn away, then it might be worth it to reduce the price just to keep the customers. Or you can have lots of choccie bars or no or smaller customer base).

Anyhow this is all very nice, junk food manufacturers caring for our health, but what would happen if they really cared for our health? I mean, like, what would they really do?

1. Warning labels on packaging

This huge Chocolate Bar will turn you into a giant socially unacceptable fatty boomsticks. If you are at all concerned about your health or your social status, drop this and go to the fruit and vege section. Have a nice day!

or more to the point;

I am made by a giant corporation that is headed by a big fat cat pocketing millions of dollars because of your ill-made decisions each time you buy these products. And the fat cat is laughing his ass off. Think again.

2. Exercise Regimes which burn off fat BEFORE you get to the chocolate bar!

Have the chocolate bar positioned on a shelf in the supermarket beneath treadmill. You aren't allowed to grab a chocolate bar unless you've done an hour of jogging. Is that clear?

3. Power-Testing Packaging

Plastic packaging on junk food so tight that you need to do muscle-building exercises at the gym just to get it off.

Actually, I think some companies have installed that idea already.

4. Specially repellent flavours

At one time every hated brussels sprouts, so perhaps brussels sprouts choccie is an idea. But really, what's so horrible about brussels sprouts? They're not too bad. I wouldn't mind a Brussels Sprouts Bar if there was one around. No, it's not repellent enough. You need to go a step or too further.

Chocolate bars that smell of farts
Dung flavoured chocolate bar (should be easy to make, they're both brown)
Boogie flavoured Bar
Cardboard flavoured Bar
Styrofoam flavoured Bar

After these have flooded the markets, it's a good chance people will go back to nice healthy Brussels Sprouts. The real thing, not the Bar.

5. I guess they could all just pack up shop, leave, or start selling fruit or seafood or jogging shoes or something but would that be too simple?


JahTeh said...

Did you have to post this? It nearly put me off my jelly beans.

As for junk food like Macca's, I look back at the days when we weren't told what levels of fat, sugar etc were in each item and I'm appalled at the calories I was shoving down my throat. It was only once a week but I would have not have been so cavalier had I known the ingredients. The funny thing was that at the time their chicken nuggets were made partly from tofu.

Maria said...

Bertie Bott's Every-Flavoured Bars? Slightly smaller but with more off-putting flavours?

Five Galleons a pop, and Ten Galleons for relatives!